For a sexual abuse survivor, there are times when our emotions don’t match up with the current situation of our life. Our emotions overpower our logic. When this experience comes, it’s likely that some event in the present has triggered emotions from events of the past. At such times, our reaction may cause others to look at us as if we’ve grown three heads.
My Story
I was playing racquetball with a friend when, for no discernable reason, I became paralyzed with fear. It was as if someone had kicked me in the stomach and I could barely move. Why? I had no idea. A routine Saturday morning, playing a game I loved—and suddenly I was scared to death. What was going on?
Having lunch with a man, discussing business, suddenly I felt like a small child. I was afraid of him. I couldn’t stand him. But I hardly even knew him. He had done absolutely nothing wrong, yet I had the strongest urge to get up from the table and run away. What was going on?
One October morning I went out to go for a run. Summer had turned to fall, the air was crisp—a beautiful day. But I was overwhelmed with fear and sadness. I turned around and went back inside. I spent the rest of the day under the covers. What was going on?
In each of these episodes, something innocent or neutral triggered feelings from dangerous and painful events in my past. I’m sure that similar “echoes” come to everyone at times. But for sexual abuse survivors, these feelings can be overwhelming. And unless you understand what is happening, the situation can be disconcerting to the point of near paralysis.
At first, as these things happened, I panicked because I thought I must be going crazy. If the feelings hadn’t been so strong, I would have tried to deny them, but they were too overwhelming. All I could do was try to survive them. For me, this meant relying on the support structure I had built—calling my therapist or someone from my incest survivors group. Or talking to my husband.
Over time, I became more practiced at processing these episodes. I learned that they could be useful in my healing. It became clear that the feelings being triggered were unresolved issues surfacing from my childhood. These issues were coming to the fore now because I was finally ready to deal with them.
And deal with them I did. Nothing would come up that I wasn’t able to deal with safely at that time. Ever. I learned to trust that.
These triggering moments became a part of healing. Whenever I would begin to feel emotions not appropriate to the current situation, I would tell myself that whatever I was feeling was not happening now, that it was old. If I was so distressed that I couldn’t communicate effectively with myself, then I got someone else to tell me.
Ultimately, when I felt safe enough, I let the emotions lead me to whatever long-ago events they were related. And I felt the feelings about what had happened. I asked others to validate those feelings. I learned to validate them myself.
This is how you heal. You are feeling today, here and now, what you could not feel as it was happening. And, for the first time in your life, you can validate those feelings. You can know that you weren’t crazy as a child. You can wrap yourself in love and protection—the love and protection you should have had then, but didn’t.
Healing is about going back to all the unclaimed feelings and embracing them. In this way, you give to yourself all the things you should have been given as a child. Respect, safety, protection, honor. The process requires that either you give these qualities to yourself, or you get them from your support system until you are able to do it on your own.
It is the wonder of my life that I could really do this and that it really worked. There was a way out of the confusion and pain I had felt all my life. Even now, it’s so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes.
Having lunch with a man, discussing business, suddenly I felt like a small child. I was afraid of him. I couldn’t stand him. But I hardly even knew him. He had done absolutely nothing wrong, yet I had the strongest urge to get up from the table and run away. What was going on?
One October morning I went out to go for a run. Summer had turned to fall, the air was crisp—a beautiful day. But I was overwhelmed with fear and sadness. I turned around and went back inside. I spent the rest of the day under the covers. What was going on?
In each of these episodes, something innocent or neutral triggered feelings from dangerous and painful events in my past. I’m sure that similar “echoes” come to everyone at times. But for sexual abuse survivors, these feelings can be overwhelming. And unless you understand what is happening, the situation can be disconcerting to the point of near paralysis.
At first, as these things happened, I panicked because I thought I must be going crazy. If the feelings hadn’t been so strong, I would have tried to deny them, but they were too overwhelming. All I could do was try to survive them. For me, this meant relying on the support structure I had built—calling my therapist or someone from my incest survivors group. Or talking to my husband.
Over time, I became more practiced at processing these episodes. I learned that they could be useful in my healing. It became clear that the feelings being triggered were unresolved issues surfacing from my childhood. These issues were coming to the fore now because I was finally ready to deal with them.
And deal with them I did. Nothing would come up that I wasn’t able to deal with safely at that time. Ever. I learned to trust that.
These triggering moments became a part of healing. Whenever I would begin to feel emotions not appropriate to the current situation, I would tell myself that whatever I was feeling was not happening now, that it was old. If I was so distressed that I couldn’t communicate effectively with myself, then I got someone else to tell me.
Ultimately, when I felt safe enough, I let the emotions lead me to whatever long-ago events they were related. And I felt the feelings about what had happened. I asked others to validate those feelings. I learned to validate them myself.
This is how you heal. You are feeling today, here and now, what you could not feel as it was happening. And, for the first time in your life, you can validate those feelings. You can know that you weren’t crazy as a child. You can wrap yourself in love and protection—the love and protection you should have had then, but didn’t.
Healing is about going back to all the unclaimed feelings and embracing them. In this way, you give to yourself all the things you should have been given as a child. Respect, safety, protection, honor. The process requires that either you give these qualities to yourself, or you get them from your support system until you are able to do it on your own.
It is the wonder of my life that I could really do this and that it really worked. There was a way out of the confusion and pain I had felt all my life. Even now, it’s so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
How did you cope when strong emotions were triggered?
I learned to separate what I was feeling from what was really going on today. That would help me get to a safe place inside. I learned to understand that the feelings were old and not related to my reality today.
If I couldn’t do this myself, I would ask for help from others whom I trusted. I would get very specific about what I was feeling. Then I would get very specific about what was really going on today. For example, when I felt panic and fear, I would do a reality check. Was anyone really trying to hurt me today? Was anyone raping me right now? No, it just felt that way. Okay, I know that I am safe today.
Then, once I knew that it was not happening now, I would get support to feel the feelings. I would do this in group, or with my therapist, or with my husband. Or, when I felt able, on my own.
What about anger? Where does it fit in with all this?
Anger was certainly one of the feelings that eventually came up. For me, the fear and pain came first, then the anger. When it came—and, believe me, it was big—I handled it like I did all the other feelings. I looked at what was really happening and asked if my anger was appropriate to the situation today or if it might be about the past. When I realized it was about the past, I let myself feel it. I did whatever I could (that didn’t damage myself or others) to let it out.
This doesn’t sound very appealing to me, this stuff about having to feel all your feelings. I don’t like feeling things that hurt me. Isn’t that damaging to me?
It is hard to move toward our strong feelings. We’d rather run from them. I’ve mentioned that the healing process takes commitment. This is where the commitment to yourself comes in—to feel something you have avoided feeling your whole life.
The truth is, the effect is the opposite of damaging. It’s healing. The feelings are there, stuck deep inside. Until you get them out, they haunt you. They infect you with depression. Or, you may feel them erupt in inappropriate and damaging ways in situations that don’t call for that level of intensity.
The way I came to be able to feel my feelings was to learn that they are just feelings. That’s all they are. They don’t hurt you when you let them move through and out. Suppressing them gives them negative power over you. Releasing them frees you.
I learned to separate what I was feeling from what was really going on today. That would help me get to a safe place inside. I learned to understand that the feelings were old and not related to my reality today.
If I couldn’t do this myself, I would ask for help from others whom I trusted. I would get very specific about what I was feeling. Then I would get very specific about what was really going on today. For example, when I felt panic and fear, I would do a reality check. Was anyone really trying to hurt me today? Was anyone raping me right now? No, it just felt that way. Okay, I know that I am safe today.
Then, once I knew that it was not happening now, I would get support to feel the feelings. I would do this in group, or with my therapist, or with my husband. Or, when I felt able, on my own.
What about anger? Where does it fit in with all this?
Anger was certainly one of the feelings that eventually came up. For me, the fear and pain came first, then the anger. When it came—and, believe me, it was big—I handled it like I did all the other feelings. I looked at what was really happening and asked if my anger was appropriate to the situation today or if it might be about the past. When I realized it was about the past, I let myself feel it. I did whatever I could (that didn’t damage myself or others) to let it out.
This doesn’t sound very appealing to me, this stuff about having to feel all your feelings. I don’t like feeling things that hurt me. Isn’t that damaging to me?
It is hard to move toward our strong feelings. We’d rather run from them. I’ve mentioned that the healing process takes commitment. This is where the commitment to yourself comes in—to feel something you have avoided feeling your whole life.
The truth is, the effect is the opposite of damaging. It’s healing. The feelings are there, stuck deep inside. Until you get them out, they haunt you. They infect you with depression. Or, you may feel them erupt in inappropriate and damaging ways in situations that don’t call for that level of intensity.
The way I came to be able to feel my feelings was to learn that they are just feelings. That’s all they are. They don’t hurt you when you let them move through and out. Suppressing them gives them negative power over you. Releasing them frees you.
Action Steps
When you find yourself having stronger emotions than the current situation calls for, stop and take inventory. If you are really freaking out and need support beyond yourself, then get to your support structure ASAP. It may be your therapist, sexual abuse survivor group, a trusted friend or partner. The first order of business is to get to a safe place.
Once you feel safe, walk yourself through the following (or do this with someone who can support you):
Here’s an example: When I was having lunch with the man I didn’t know well and we were discussing business, my feelings about my stepfather were triggered. There was something about this guy that set off my internal alarms.
As I sorted out in my head the questions I have just laid out above, I realized that this guy wasn’t my stepfather. I had never met him before. The reality of today was that he had never hurt me. So, I was able to deal with him in a business-like manner. (I will also tell you, however, that because he sparked such strong negative feelings, I trusted my “gut” that he was someone I never wanted to be close to.)
Then, I did quite a bit of work concerning my stepfather. That was not a quick fix. It took a lot of different work over the years. Things like going through exercises in which the strong adult that I am today protected the vulnerable child I was then. Also, actions like writing him a letter telling him how I really feel about him. Doing physical things to let the anger out. Beating him up with a baseball bat (a pillow substituted for the real person, of course).
Over time, as you take these steps, you will become really good at noticing, in the moment, when the present is triggering things from the past. I have gotten to where I usually notice it as it is happening, make a mental note to deal with it later, and continue in the present without the past influencing it. Then, after the fact, I go and do my work with the past. The more you do, the easier and faster it gets. Eventually, it’s no big deal. It’s more like “Oh yeah, this is what’s happening. Okay.”
As Eckart Tolle says, there is always more power in our present than in our past. For a sexual abuse survivor, this conviction is fundamental for healing.
Once you feel safe, walk yourself through the following (or do this with someone who can support you):
- Are these feelings related to just the current situation or are they “bigger” than the situation really calls for?
- When, as a child, did I feel these kinds of feelings?
- Honor whatever comes up.
- Is that same thing happening right now? How is today different from the past when I had the same feelings?
- Become very clear on the reality of today. On what’s really happening today.
- Make a list of the resources you have today that you did not have as a small child.
- Do your best to separate today from the past. Get present to what is really happening today.
- Then your work splits into two tracks.
- The first track is to handle today. What action do you need to take to resolve the situation that is actually happening today?
- The second track is to address the past issues that created feelings that today’s situation triggered. Usually something was left undone. Either feelings were suppressed or action was not taken that should have been taken. Or you needed something you did not get.
Here’s an example: When I was having lunch with the man I didn’t know well and we were discussing business, my feelings about my stepfather were triggered. There was something about this guy that set off my internal alarms.
As I sorted out in my head the questions I have just laid out above, I realized that this guy wasn’t my stepfather. I had never met him before. The reality of today was that he had never hurt me. So, I was able to deal with him in a business-like manner. (I will also tell you, however, that because he sparked such strong negative feelings, I trusted my “gut” that he was someone I never wanted to be close to.)
Then, I did quite a bit of work concerning my stepfather. That was not a quick fix. It took a lot of different work over the years. Things like going through exercises in which the strong adult that I am today protected the vulnerable child I was then. Also, actions like writing him a letter telling him how I really feel about him. Doing physical things to let the anger out. Beating him up with a baseball bat (a pillow substituted for the real person, of course).
Over time, as you take these steps, you will become really good at noticing, in the moment, when the present is triggering things from the past. I have gotten to where I usually notice it as it is happening, make a mental note to deal with it later, and continue in the present without the past influencing it. Then, after the fact, I go and do my work with the past. The more you do, the easier and faster it gets. Eventually, it’s no big deal. It’s more like “Oh yeah, this is what’s happening. Okay.”
As Eckart Tolle says, there is always more power in our present than in our past. For a sexual abuse survivor, this conviction is fundamental for healing.
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
