It’s the fear that stops us from healing.
As children we couldn’t handle what was happening, so we stuffed it down deep inside. Then our life didn’t work very well anymore. It couldn’t work because we had unresolved feelings and experiences that stunted our growth.
That’s the fear at work. Fear … that we will uncover those hidden feelings and they will drive us mad. Fear … that we won’t be able to handle the truth. So we keep ourselves as far from the truth as possible. Until that drives us mad.
Then the leap of faith happens. The process starts to unfold, and we move into uncharted territory. We ride the waves of recovery and hang on for dear life.
Take all of this on faith until you have experienced it long enough to feel it’s true. You can trust the healing process.
My Story
My sexual abuse recovery was filled with starts and stops. I would make great progress, then hit a brick wall. I called it being “stuck”—numerous periods of being immobilized and not knowing how to get the healing process moving again. It was horrible. Days, weeks, months … no progress. What was next? Why couldn’t I find the key? Then suddenly a rush of memories, a flood of feelings, would knock me off my feet. It was a full-time job just dealing with all that was surfacing.
Over the years, I came to understand that this ebb and flow is the healing process and it exists whether you have always remembered your abuse or are recovering memories for the first time. And, there is an innate wisdom to this starting and stopping. For a while there is nothingness, then a flood. Things come as we are ready to deal with them. That’s when they pour out. They keep coming as long as we can handle them. Then, a pause. We may feel “stuck,” but we are actually resting. Healing. Taking time to breathe.
I have gained tremendous respect for the ability of survivors to heal, and for the healing process itself. There is an inherent intelligence in the process. I don’t know where it comes from, but I am so thankful it is there. This innate wisdom has never let me down. It regulates the pace of my healing in a way that keeps me safe. When I have become too overwhelmed, the process has backed off and let me relax. When I have been ready to move forward, it has given me the opening to do so. It will do the same for you. I have no doubt.
Fairly early on I came to trust this process. Given that I wasn’t prone to trust much of anything back then, that’s an amazing thing. What started as a leap of faith became a profound confidence. Even when I was really, really scared, I knew I could count on the wisdom of the process and an eventual beneficial result for me.
And here’s the real gift: over time, this trust in the process evolved into a trust in myself, and eventually a trust in life itself. Now that’s a beautiful thing!
Over the years, I came to understand that this ebb and flow is the healing process and it exists whether you have always remembered your abuse or are recovering memories for the first time. And, there is an innate wisdom to this starting and stopping. For a while there is nothingness, then a flood. Things come as we are ready to deal with them. That’s when they pour out. They keep coming as long as we can handle them. Then, a pause. We may feel “stuck,” but we are actually resting. Healing. Taking time to breathe.
I have gained tremendous respect for the ability of survivors to heal, and for the healing process itself. There is an inherent intelligence in the process. I don’t know where it comes from, but I am so thankful it is there. This innate wisdom has never let me down. It regulates the pace of my healing in a way that keeps me safe. When I have become too overwhelmed, the process has backed off and let me relax. When I have been ready to move forward, it has given me the opening to do so. It will do the same for you. I have no doubt.
Fairly early on I came to trust this process. Given that I wasn’t prone to trust much of anything back then, that’s an amazing thing. What started as a leap of faith became a profound confidence. Even when I was really, really scared, I knew I could count on the wisdom of the process and an eventual beneficial result for me.
And here’s the real gift: over time, this trust in the process evolved into a trust in myself, and eventually a trust in life itself. Now that’s a beautiful thing!
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
I’m still not sure what you mean by trusting the healing process. Can you be more specific?
Yes. Bottom-line, I mean that you will never have to deal with anything you are not ready to deal with. Nothing will come up that you can’t handle, even if it takes some help from others. This “wisdom” knows what you are ready for—and what must wait until later.
Does being stuck mean that you are not having any new memories, or that you have reached some kind of halt with the memories you are dealing with?
Being stuck may or not be related to how the memories are flowing. You may be stuck when you sense there is a memory lurking, but it won’t surface. Or, it may have nothing to do with memories. It may simply be when you don’t know the next step to take to advance your healing.
You say there is a wisdom to the process. How do you tap into this wisdom?
Become still enough to hear it. It’s not “hearing” like a voice, but more like a knowing. Some would call it intuition or instinct.
Give me specific ways to become still, so I can hear the wisdom of the healing process.
I’m sure it’s different for everyone. And, for me, different ways worked at different times. Here are some techniques I used:
Yes. Bottom-line, I mean that you will never have to deal with anything you are not ready to deal with. Nothing will come up that you can’t handle, even if it takes some help from others. This “wisdom” knows what you are ready for—and what must wait until later.
Does being stuck mean that you are not having any new memories, or that you have reached some kind of halt with the memories you are dealing with?
Being stuck may or not be related to how the memories are flowing. You may be stuck when you sense there is a memory lurking, but it won’t surface. Or, it may have nothing to do with memories. It may simply be when you don’t know the next step to take to advance your healing.
You say there is a wisdom to the process. How do you tap into this wisdom?
Become still enough to hear it. It’s not “hearing” like a voice, but more like a knowing. Some would call it intuition or instinct.
Give me specific ways to become still, so I can hear the wisdom of the healing process.
I’m sure it’s different for everyone. And, for me, different ways worked at different times. Here are some techniques I used:
- Meditation. I used this when I was calm enough to sit down and meditate. I centered my mind on my breathing. In. Out. In. Out. Let everything be. No judgment. No trying to make things different. Just being. It helped me get in touch with the “knowing.”
- Journaling. Writing in my journal was a very good way to get in touch with my inner wisdom. It was particularly helpful when I was too anxious to sit and meditate. I would just start writing, whatever came up. I didn’t care how the writing came out—it was only for me, not for other eyes. It is amazing how writing can tap into the heart of things and provide guidance.
- Prayer. When things became overwhelming and I didn’t know where to turn, I would pray. I’m not religious in a traditional sense. Sometimes my prayers would begin with “I don’t know if you are there or not, but if you are …” It always worked. Brought me peace. And, in time, answers.
- Inner Child Work. I went to a seminar given by John Bradshaw where I learned how to connect with my Inner Child. Inner Child work was a terrific way to tap into the wisdom of the healing process. (See more about Inner Child work later in this book.)
- Exercise. I used running as a way to take the keyed-up physical feelings away so I could hear inside myself. This is a way I tapped into the process.
Action Steps
Take baby steps toward trusting your healing process. For example, try browsing through this book and looking at the “Your Action” segments of the chapters. Find something that hits a chord with you. Make sure the action feels “right” (that means it’s something that feels safe, that you are ready to do, and that will possibly stretch you a bit). Give it a try.
Use this first baby step as a way to begin to trust your process. I believe you will find that you know what you need when you need it.
If some of what I’m recommending feels too wide open, then work with your therapist or within your sexual abuse survivor group to know where you are in your process and how to keep facing forward.
Over time, you will start to trust your “gut.” You will become expert at tuning into what you need and when. Above all, you will understand that the healing process will never give you more to handle than you are capable of at that time.
Use this first baby step as a way to begin to trust your process. I believe you will find that you know what you need when you need it.
If some of what I’m recommending feels too wide open, then work with your therapist or within your sexual abuse survivor group to know where you are in your process and how to keep facing forward.
Over time, you will start to trust your “gut.” You will become expert at tuning into what you need and when. Above all, you will understand that the healing process will never give you more to handle than you are capable of at that time.
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
