As humans we strive to create order out of chaos. That’s why we develop processes, to give us a map and compass to find our way. To share with others what we have learned through trial and error so they can benefit from our experiences. For something as multifaceted as healing from sexual abuse, a process can be invaluable.
My Story
One of the biggest events in my life was when a friend of mine gave me a book called The Courage to Heal. I was about three months into incest recovery when this incredible book came into my life. I lived with that book at my side for about five years. What impressed me most was this—for the first time, I understood that there was a process to healing and that book spelled it out. That made all the difference in the world for me.
A process. I understood processes. In business, I had a system for everything. You give me a process, and I can move mountains! It was like I had been wandering in the dark wilderness and suddenly someone turned on a light.
The process was not totally defined—it had missing pieces. So, over time, I pieced together a lot of different things to create the system that worked best for me. But knowing that healing could be approached from a process standpoint gave me a handle on moving forward.
A process. I understood processes. In business, I had a system for everything. You give me a process, and I can move mountains! It was like I had been wandering in the dark wilderness and suddenly someone turned on a light.
The process was not totally defined—it had missing pieces. So, over time, I pieced together a lot of different things to create the system that worked best for me. But knowing that healing could be approached from a process standpoint gave me a handle on moving forward.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
So it sounds like The Courage to Heal gave you a start on finding a process. Was that all there was to it? Read one book and heal yourself?
No, of course not. The Courage to Heal was a great start because it gave me a lot of encouragement that there was a way to “process” the sexual abuse issues I was dealing with. And, I learned from it that there were different aspects to the healing process. The book broke the process down into more manageable pieces.
Then how did you find the process you ended up using?
I pieced together a lot of different things. Things I learned in books, from an incest survivor group, from therapy. Probably the most important discovery, however, were the tools I was learning in my studies to become a professional coach. Up to that point my understanding had deepened, but I didn’t know what actions to take to use that understanding to change my life on a sustained basis. The coaching tools gave me instruments for action.
What is this coaching? And what are the tools coaching uses?
Coaching is a profession that helps people get where they are trying to go easier and faster. I am Master Certified Coach.
A lot of the tools that coaching uses are found on this website. These include setting boundaries and standards for yourself. Taking very good care of yourself. Understanding how your needs drive your decision-making. Learning to orient your life around your values. Getting rid of objectionable things and/or relationships that you are tolerating in your life.
So are you going to outline a step-by-step process to heal?
This website is designed to share with you the steps I took to heal. You can pick and choose the parts that will be most beneficial to you.
Does the process go in a certain order?
Although the process is not linear, there is a basic progression. That’s how this website is organized; however, you will probably find yourself jumping around, depending on where you are in your recovery on any given day.
You were a business owner with time and money. What about those who don’t have those resources?
It’s even harder when time and money are scarce. To tell the truth, my company went into debt during my healing process—so time and money were a factor for me as well. But, it is true that I managed to carve out enough of both to focus on my healing. I know that others may find it hard to do that.
If you lack money, you will have to look harder to find support—but you can find it. Therapy can be expensive. Check out employee assistance programs. Many Councils on Child Abuse offer free or low-cost survivor groups. Most therapists will work with you on a fee-structure based on your ability to pay. Google "Incest Recovery" or "Healing from Child Sexual Abuse." And be careful. There are some vicious people out there who don't put much stock in how devastating child sexual abuse can be. Ignore them. Find the resources that are there to help you.
As for time, you’ll have to get creative. I know a single mom of three who pools resources with two other moms. During the week, each one has a night that she cooks for all three families. That means each mom gets two nights off a week. Think of the things you could do to create some time in your busy life.
No, of course not. The Courage to Heal was a great start because it gave me a lot of encouragement that there was a way to “process” the sexual abuse issues I was dealing with. And, I learned from it that there were different aspects to the healing process. The book broke the process down into more manageable pieces.
Then how did you find the process you ended up using?
I pieced together a lot of different things. Things I learned in books, from an incest survivor group, from therapy. Probably the most important discovery, however, were the tools I was learning in my studies to become a professional coach. Up to that point my understanding had deepened, but I didn’t know what actions to take to use that understanding to change my life on a sustained basis. The coaching tools gave me instruments for action.
What is this coaching? And what are the tools coaching uses?
Coaching is a profession that helps people get where they are trying to go easier and faster. I am Master Certified Coach.
A lot of the tools that coaching uses are found on this website. These include setting boundaries and standards for yourself. Taking very good care of yourself. Understanding how your needs drive your decision-making. Learning to orient your life around your values. Getting rid of objectionable things and/or relationships that you are tolerating in your life.
So are you going to outline a step-by-step process to heal?
This website is designed to share with you the steps I took to heal. You can pick and choose the parts that will be most beneficial to you.
Does the process go in a certain order?
Although the process is not linear, there is a basic progression. That’s how this website is organized; however, you will probably find yourself jumping around, depending on where you are in your recovery on any given day.
You were a business owner with time and money. What about those who don’t have those resources?
It’s even harder when time and money are scarce. To tell the truth, my company went into debt during my healing process—so time and money were a factor for me as well. But, it is true that I managed to carve out enough of both to focus on my healing. I know that others may find it hard to do that.
If you lack money, you will have to look harder to find support—but you can find it. Therapy can be expensive. Check out employee assistance programs. Many Councils on Child Abuse offer free or low-cost survivor groups. Most therapists will work with you on a fee-structure based on your ability to pay. Google "Incest Recovery" or "Healing from Child Sexual Abuse." And be careful. There are some vicious people out there who don't put much stock in how devastating child sexual abuse can be. Ignore them. Find the resources that are there to help you.
As for time, you’ll have to get creative. I know a single mom of three who pools resources with two other moms. During the week, each one has a night that she cooks for all three families. That means each mom gets two nights off a week. Think of the things you could do to create some time in your busy life.
Action Steps
At first, all I ask you to do is trust that there is a process to heal and that you will find it.
Use this book, and other books on child sexual abuse (like The Courage To Heal), to find the process that works best for you. Here are some things to remember:
Use this book, and other books on child sexual abuse (like The Courage To Heal), to find the process that works best for you. Here are some things to remember:
- Having someone tell you what worked for them can be very powerful. Try it on for yourself and see if it works for you. It may or it may not. This isn’t an exact science.
- What you need today may not be what you need tomorrow. Become aware of all the things you can do to promote your healing and use them when you are ready for them.
- Do things, as you are ready to do them. You might read on this website about something that I am suggesting you do, but you might not be ready for it. Trust yourself on this. Come back to it later. There are things that fell on deaf ears with me for years, but the time came when those actions suddenly fit perfectly.
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
