Stop Tolerating |
Another concept Thomas Leonard introduced to me was the concept of what he called “tolerations.” Tolerations are those things in our lives that we are putting up with. They can be small, like a cluttered drawer or big, like living in a home you don’t like.
We become numb to our tolerations. We don’t even notice them. But they drain our energy each and every day. Friction comes into our lives because of them, distracting us from what is important.
We become numb to our tolerations. We don’t even notice them. But they drain our energy each and every day. Friction comes into our lives because of them, distracting us from what is important.
My Story
Several years ago, I bought a small sailboat. It seemed like a good idea at the time but I found that I rarely used it—probably less than once a year. It sat in the driveway and blocked the way when we needed to move something large into the backyard. It gathered leaves and filled with water. In short, it became a toleration.
Every time I pulled into the driveway, I noticed it. Sitting there. Not being used. Gathering debris. It drained my energy.
Last week, I gave it to a local children’s charity for their camp. Whew! What a relief. Just to see an uncluttered driveway. To no longer have the thought “I really need to get rid of that thing” every time I saw it.
It’s amazing how much energy eliminating a toleration can free up.
Every time I pulled into the driveway, I noticed it. Sitting there. Not being used. Gathering debris. It drained my energy.
Last week, I gave it to a local children’s charity for their camp. Whew! What a relief. Just to see an uncluttered driveway. To no longer have the thought “I really need to get rid of that thing” every time I saw it.
It’s amazing how much energy eliminating a toleration can free up.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
Can you give other examples of stopping tolerations?
There are many degrees of tolerations. Here are some simple ones I have eliminated over the years:
Here are some more challenging tolerations I have tackled and eliminated:
I feel overwhelmed when you talk about tolerations. Do I have to handle them all at once?
Absolutely not. In fact, I suggest you only handle things when it feels like the right time. Start with something simple, something you can handle in less than five minutes, like hanging up a hook for your car keys. See how you feel afterward. Usually, you will feel good—more energetic. Change that burned out light bulb in the closet, and you will feel good every time you look in there.
I’m not making the connection between tolerations and child sexual abuse recovery. Why are tolerations important for these abuse survivors to deal with?
Tolerations are an issue for everyone, but they have special significance for a person who had to tolerate so much as a child. As child sexual abuse survivors, we became pretty numb as we had to accept what was imposed on us. In adulthood, we usually continue those patterns.
Tolerating something sends a subtle message to ourselves that we aren’t worthy of having a truly great life, free of things that bring us down. Eliminating tolerations is an exercise of power, helping us feel better about our lives and ourselves. It also frees up our energy so we can focus on our healing. In fact, I believe many sexual abuse survivors fill their lives with tolerations so they won’t have the time or energy to really look at what is scaring them within.
There are many degrees of tolerations. Here are some simple ones I have eliminated over the years:
- Not having a place to consistently put my car keys
- Having to do my own financial bookkeeping
- A leaky faucet
- A window that won't roll down in the car
- Not enough light in my office closet
- File drawers that kept getting stuck
Here are some more challenging tolerations I have tackled and eliminated:
- A client who was always late for our sessions
- A porch I could only use 6 or 7 months a year
- A friend who had a habit of criticizing me
- Neighbors who were loud late at night
- Allergies
I feel overwhelmed when you talk about tolerations. Do I have to handle them all at once?
Absolutely not. In fact, I suggest you only handle things when it feels like the right time. Start with something simple, something you can handle in less than five minutes, like hanging up a hook for your car keys. See how you feel afterward. Usually, you will feel good—more energetic. Change that burned out light bulb in the closet, and you will feel good every time you look in there.
I’m not making the connection between tolerations and child sexual abuse recovery. Why are tolerations important for these abuse survivors to deal with?
Tolerations are an issue for everyone, but they have special significance for a person who had to tolerate so much as a child. As child sexual abuse survivors, we became pretty numb as we had to accept what was imposed on us. In adulthood, we usually continue those patterns.
Tolerating something sends a subtle message to ourselves that we aren’t worthy of having a truly great life, free of things that bring us down. Eliminating tolerations is an exercise of power, helping us feel better about our lives and ourselves. It also frees up our energy so we can focus on our healing. In fact, I believe many sexual abuse survivors fill their lives with tolerations so they won’t have the time or energy to really look at what is scaring them within.
Action Steps
Make a list of 25 things you are tolerating. Make it without committing to do anything about them. Just make the list.
If you can’t think of 25, keep digging. You may be numb to all you are tolerating. Part of this process is to become aware.
When you have finished, you may decide to start eliminating only small tolerations. Or, you may feel motivated to start big.
If you want to start small, pick something that would be easy to eliminate and do it. Right now! Do something small each day for a week. Work up to the bigger things.
If you want to start big, here’s something to think about. Within our list of tolerations there are often what Thomas Leonard calls "lynchpin" tolerations. Those are the ones that, if we eliminate them, a number of other tolerations go away with them. An example would be that by changing jobs you might eliminate the tolerations of an abusive boss, work you don’t like, a long commute and not making enough money. All at the same time!
Ask yourself what your lynchpin tolerations are. Don’t tackle them until you are ready. When you decide you are ready, eliminating lynchpin tolerations will greatly accelerate your progress.
I am aware that some of my examples of getting rid of tolerations may sound over the top to some people. Most people aren’t ready to march off and do these things just from reading a book. The point of including them is to emphasize that if you steadily practice eliminating tolerations, you may work up to some very significant changes in your life.
Ultimately, the goal is to eliminate all the tolerations from your life. I know that sounds ambitious, but once you start, it feels so good that you are likely to keep going. And once you are living a toleration-free life, you will be careful to avoid adding new tolerations. You will eliminate them before they ever take hold.
If you can’t think of 25, keep digging. You may be numb to all you are tolerating. Part of this process is to become aware.
When you have finished, you may decide to start eliminating only small tolerations. Or, you may feel motivated to start big.
If you want to start small, pick something that would be easy to eliminate and do it. Right now! Do something small each day for a week. Work up to the bigger things.
If you want to start big, here’s something to think about. Within our list of tolerations there are often what Thomas Leonard calls "lynchpin" tolerations. Those are the ones that, if we eliminate them, a number of other tolerations go away with them. An example would be that by changing jobs you might eliminate the tolerations of an abusive boss, work you don’t like, a long commute and not making enough money. All at the same time!
Ask yourself what your lynchpin tolerations are. Don’t tackle them until you are ready. When you decide you are ready, eliminating lynchpin tolerations will greatly accelerate your progress.
I am aware that some of my examples of getting rid of tolerations may sound over the top to some people. Most people aren’t ready to march off and do these things just from reading a book. The point of including them is to emphasize that if you steadily practice eliminating tolerations, you may work up to some very significant changes in your life.
Ultimately, the goal is to eliminate all the tolerations from your life. I know that sounds ambitious, but once you start, it feels so good that you are likely to keep going. And once you are living a toleration-free life, you will be careful to avoid adding new tolerations. You will eliminate them before they ever take hold.
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
