Most sexual abuse survivors have mastered the art of going away, mentally and emotionally. When things occurred in the past that were beyond our ability to deal with, we learned how to simply not be there, even when our bodies were. It was a survival skill. It helped us not go crazy. It was necessary.
Now it’s not. Now it causes us to miss out on the present moment. And the present moment is the only place life can be lived. The end result is that we actually miss out on a lot of our life that could be very fulfilling.
We need to learn a new skill. It’s called “staying present.”
My Story
There was a woman in my incest group who would simply go away when a topic hit too close to home for her. She remained physically in the room, but she was no longer with us. The first few times it happened, I didn’t even notice. The therapists did, however, and they would use techniques to bring her back. I thought this was a really weird thing for her to do. Then I realized I did the same thing on a regular basis. The only difference was that I did a better job of covering it up. People never even knew when I wasn’t there. And here’s the real kicker: I never even noticed when I wasn’t there.
This was an issue.
Then one day I picked up a book because I loved the title. It was Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life by Jon Kabat-Zinn. This book introduced me to the concept of staying present. I came to realize that in our distraction-filled world, this is an issue for all humans, not just sexual abuse survivors. But I believe survivors of abuse have especially big challenges staying present.
As I came to understand the concept, I realized that I was hardly ever present. To me, this connected directly with the fact that I didn’t feel much joy in my life. When you aren’t in your life, you can’t experience what’s going on. I came to understand that being present with what’s going on, whatever it is, is a joyful experience. We can only live in the present moment. Miss out on the present and you miss out on your life. That means missing out on the joy of being alive.
With time and effort, I have cultivated my ability to stay present. There are lots of ways to do this. I will discuss my personal choice—meditation. You can find books, classes and other resources that deeply explore this subject. My comments are just a starting point.
I often use a form of meditation in which you simply sit still and pay attention to your breath. This sounds simple, and it is. Yet it is also very challenging because of the tendency of our mind to wander. I start by counting my breaths, one through ten, then start back at one again. The first several weeks I tried this I rarely got to ten. It was hard to stay focused on even this simple task. Suddenly I would realize that my mind had been elsewhere for five or ten minutes and I had stopped counting and never even noticed. It was amazing.
Eventually I was able to stay present for longer periods of time. You may be asking “So what?” The “so what” is that when you cultivate your ability to stay present while meditating, you also cultivate your ability to stay present in life! This creates a sense of wonderment.
Words cannot adequately express the delight of simply being here. The joy of feeling it all and being with it all, no matter what is happening. Learning to stay present means learning to reclaim your life to the fullest extent. I highly recommend it.
This was an issue.
Then one day I picked up a book because I loved the title. It was Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life by Jon Kabat-Zinn. This book introduced me to the concept of staying present. I came to realize that in our distraction-filled world, this is an issue for all humans, not just sexual abuse survivors. But I believe survivors of abuse have especially big challenges staying present.
As I came to understand the concept, I realized that I was hardly ever present. To me, this connected directly with the fact that I didn’t feel much joy in my life. When you aren’t in your life, you can’t experience what’s going on. I came to understand that being present with what’s going on, whatever it is, is a joyful experience. We can only live in the present moment. Miss out on the present and you miss out on your life. That means missing out on the joy of being alive.
With time and effort, I have cultivated my ability to stay present. There are lots of ways to do this. I will discuss my personal choice—meditation. You can find books, classes and other resources that deeply explore this subject. My comments are just a starting point.
I often use a form of meditation in which you simply sit still and pay attention to your breath. This sounds simple, and it is. Yet it is also very challenging because of the tendency of our mind to wander. I start by counting my breaths, one through ten, then start back at one again. The first several weeks I tried this I rarely got to ten. It was hard to stay focused on even this simple task. Suddenly I would realize that my mind had been elsewhere for five or ten minutes and I had stopped counting and never even noticed. It was amazing.
Eventually I was able to stay present for longer periods of time. You may be asking “So what?” The “so what” is that when you cultivate your ability to stay present while meditating, you also cultivate your ability to stay present in life! This creates a sense of wonderment.
Words cannot adequately express the delight of simply being here. The joy of feeling it all and being with it all, no matter what is happening. Learning to stay present means learning to reclaim your life to the fullest extent. I highly recommend it.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
So all you did is count your breaths and you learned to stay present?
The meditation was a big part of it. It’s the practice that leads to the ability to stay present. You can’t just study about meditation, you have to do it. Along with the actual practice of meditation, I read numerous books on Buddhism and listened to talks by teachers. I learned a form of meditation called Insight Meditation from an excellent series by Sharon Salzberg and Joseph Goldstein. It’s called Insight Meditation--An In-Depth Correspondence Course. Another very in-depth audio series is The Science of Enlightenment by Shinzen Young. There are also hundreds of meditation centers where you can learn to meditate.
I can’t just sit like that. It would drive me nuts!
There are many ways to mediate. There is a form of meditation called walking meditation. Many books on the subject describe how to do it. Again, it’s very simple. If you find it hard to sit still, try walking meditation.
Do you mean you have to constantly fight your mind to stay present?
No. This is not about fighting. It’s the opposite. It’s about observing and accepting. It’s about noticing that you have drifted away, and then gently coming back.
What about when things are too intense to stay present?
Then don’t try to do so. As you cultivate your ability to stay present, you will naturally be able to do so at higher level of intensity. The important thing is simply to notice when you have gone away and bring yourself back to the present. And it’s also very important not to judge yourself for this. Don’t use the practice of staying present to beat yourself up. Just notice when you have gone away and bring yourself back to the present. Eventually, you will stay present more often and through more intense experiences.
Are you talking about staying present in the present, or are you talking about staying present with your feelings as they come up about the past?
Both, because they each are occurring in the present. Staying present in the present takes place now. So does staying present with your feelings as they come up now about the past. They are coming up in the present. Be with them, don’t run from them. Stay with them now, because it’s safe to do so now. The abuse isn’t happening now. These feelings are left over from then, but they are absolutely with you now. Now is your opportunity to be with them and let them go—something you couldn’t do, mentally and emotionally, when you were being abused because you had to go away to survive.
The meditation was a big part of it. It’s the practice that leads to the ability to stay present. You can’t just study about meditation, you have to do it. Along with the actual practice of meditation, I read numerous books on Buddhism and listened to talks by teachers. I learned a form of meditation called Insight Meditation from an excellent series by Sharon Salzberg and Joseph Goldstein. It’s called Insight Meditation--An In-Depth Correspondence Course. Another very in-depth audio series is The Science of Enlightenment by Shinzen Young. There are also hundreds of meditation centers where you can learn to meditate.
I can’t just sit like that. It would drive me nuts!
There are many ways to mediate. There is a form of meditation called walking meditation. Many books on the subject describe how to do it. Again, it’s very simple. If you find it hard to sit still, try walking meditation.
Do you mean you have to constantly fight your mind to stay present?
No. This is not about fighting. It’s the opposite. It’s about observing and accepting. It’s about noticing that you have drifted away, and then gently coming back.
What about when things are too intense to stay present?
Then don’t try to do so. As you cultivate your ability to stay present, you will naturally be able to do so at higher level of intensity. The important thing is simply to notice when you have gone away and bring yourself back to the present. And it’s also very important not to judge yourself for this. Don’t use the practice of staying present to beat yourself up. Just notice when you have gone away and bring yourself back to the present. Eventually, you will stay present more often and through more intense experiences.
Are you talking about staying present in the present, or are you talking about staying present with your feelings as they come up about the past?
Both, because they each are occurring in the present. Staying present in the present takes place now. So does staying present with your feelings as they come up now about the past. They are coming up in the present. Be with them, don’t run from them. Stay with them now, because it’s safe to do so now. The abuse isn’t happening now. These feelings are left over from then, but they are absolutely with you now. Now is your opportunity to be with them and let them go—something you couldn’t do, mentally and emotionally, when you were being abused because you had to go away to survive.
Action Steps
Try this as an introduction to meditating. Sit in a comfortable position with your feet on the floor. Put your hands on your thighs or place them in your lap with one hand cupping the other. Either close your eyes or let your gaze fall down at about a 45-degree angle. Start by taking slow deep breaths into your belly. Notice each breath. Turn your breathing over to your body. Don’t force it. Continue to notice the breath. Count each breath, in and out. Count up to ten and begin again.
Try doing this for five minutes. Notice how present you are able to stay. Do this daily. When you are able to stay present for five minutes, gradually increase the time.
Bring this quality of “mindfulness” that you are cultivating to everything you do in your life. Stay present with things. Notice when you have gone away. Bring yourself back. Do it over and over again.
Notice how this changes the quality of your life experience.
There are excellent resources to help you learn to meditate. My favorites are:
Try doing this for five minutes. Notice how present you are able to stay. Do this daily. When you are able to stay present for five minutes, gradually increase the time.
Bring this quality of “mindfulness” that you are cultivating to everything you do in your life. Stay present with things. Notice when you have gone away. Bring yourself back. Do it over and over again.
Notice how this changes the quality of your life experience.
There are excellent resources to help you learn to meditate. My favorites are:
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