It wasn’t your fault. Know that. No matter what happened, when an adult chooses to be sexual with a child—or a teenager—it is not that child’s fault. Period. Ever.
Please understand this! No matter what your abuser or an enabler has told you. No matter how you participated. No matter if you felt pleasure. No matter what. It was not your fault. Not in any way. Ever!
The shame we carry after child sexual abuse is one of the most insidious aspects of the violation. It permeates our being and drives us to run away from ourselves. It makes us believe we are not worthy of relationships with good people. More than anything else, it keeps us silent.
My Story
I was a teenager and it was an innocent first date. He was a polite boy. A good boy. He held my hand as we walked around town. We had fun dancing. He kissed me good night when he took me home.
I felt dirty.
The shame I had been storing for so long was unleashed that night. And I ran from it for the next 18 years. It caused me to slide into deep depression if I became still enough to feel. I wanted to do anything but to be with myself. I became numb to myself in countless ways. As a result, I sabotaged good relationships and came close to losing my husband.
Linda was one of the two therapists running the incest survivor group I joined. Of all the people who helped guide me through my healing, I trusted what she said the most. Linda has a rich, deep voice and gives the best hugs in the world. I’ll never forget the day she wrapped me in her arms and said the words “Sweetie, it was not your fault.” I knew she really meant it. And I started to believe it was true.
I felt dirty.
The shame I had been storing for so long was unleashed that night. And I ran from it for the next 18 years. It caused me to slide into deep depression if I became still enough to feel. I wanted to do anything but to be with myself. I became numb to myself in countless ways. As a result, I sabotaged good relationships and came close to losing my husband.
Linda was one of the two therapists running the incest survivor group I joined. Of all the people who helped guide me through my healing, I trusted what she said the most. Linda has a rich, deep voice and gives the best hugs in the world. I’ll never forget the day she wrapped me in her arms and said the words “Sweetie, it was not your fault.” I knew she really meant it. And I started to believe it was true.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
How did you get over believing that you had been at fault somehow?
I did a number of things over and over again for a long time. Here are some things to try:
What else did you do to get rid of the shame?
I told people about what had happened to me. At first it was really hard to get the words to come out. But every time I shared my story, I felt tremendous relief. And I knew I had worked through another part of the shame. The more I told, the less shame I felt. After a lot of telling—I mean tons of telling—a different feeling replaced the shame. It was a feeling of pride. Pride in my strength. Pride in my dogged determination to heal. Pride in that precious little child who somehow managed to survive years of violation. Pride feels a lot better than shame.
I did a number of things over and over again for a long time. Here are some things to try:
- Literally hear it. Have people you trust tell you it wasn’t your fault. There is something very validating about hearing the words spoken by another person. By lots of other people.
- Say it out loud. Hear your own voice speak it. Even if you don’t believe it yet, say it. Say it a million times. Say it until you believe it.
- Read books by experts on child sexual abuse. Any expert on child sexual abuse will tell you it is never the child’s fault.
- Write it to your Inner Child. Part of the Inner Child work I did was to have my Adult write to my Inner Child and tell her that it was not her fault. Eventually my Child was able to write it herself. Eventually she believed it. Eventually. (See the chapter on Inner Child work.)
What else did you do to get rid of the shame?
I told people about what had happened to me. At first it was really hard to get the words to come out. But every time I shared my story, I felt tremendous relief. And I knew I had worked through another part of the shame. The more I told, the less shame I felt. After a lot of telling—I mean tons of telling—a different feeling replaced the shame. It was a feeling of pride. Pride in my strength. Pride in my dogged determination to heal. Pride in that precious little child who somehow managed to survive years of violation. Pride feels a lot better than shame.
Action Steps
Start paying close attention to how you are feeling and how you are acting. Find the shame hiding behind feelings and actions. Give it a name. Call it forth.
Every time you feel shame or suspect it is lurking, look at the list above and pick something to try. See what works. This won’t be hard, because once you release just a little bit of shame, it feels so good you will want to do it often.
Also, it’s important to avoid people who—for their own reasons—try to shame you. You just don’t need that influence as you strengthen your resolve to release your shame.
Every time you feel shame or suspect it is lurking, look at the list above and pick something to try. See what works. This won’t be hard, because once you release just a little bit of shame, it feels so good you will want to do it often.
Also, it’s important to avoid people who—for their own reasons—try to shame you. You just don’t need that influence as you strengthen your resolve to release your shame.
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
