In previous topics I have referred to boundaries, which are conditions we put in place in our lives that help us become clear about what we will and will not accept from others. This is a topic worth exploring more deeply.
Our boundaries help us define where we end and the rest of the world begins. Because sexual abuse survivors were not allowed to have their own protected internal space as children, this concept is important for us. Our boundaries have been violated enormously. Setting them now is a powerful way to reclaim our very selves.
Our boundaries help us define where we end and the rest of the world begins. Because sexual abuse survivors were not allowed to have their own protected internal space as children, this concept is important for us. Our boundaries have been violated enormously. Setting them now is a powerful way to reclaim our very selves.
My Story
I had a good friend who was a recovering alcoholic when we met. She hadn’t had a drink in nine years. We grew close over time. I enjoyed her company and we shared some very special times together. After I had known her for five years, she began to drink again. Hers was a typical attitude, “Just one, I can handle it.” It wasn’t long until she had fallen back into the destructive lifestyle of a raging alcoholic.
By the time of her relapse, I had done a lot of work with boundaries. One of the boundaries I had set for myself was that I would not allow drunks in my life. My father had been a drunk, and I simply wasn’t going to deal with that type of destructive energy again.
I had a very hard decision to make. It was clear my friend was not going to give up drinking again any time soon, if ever. Would I enforce the boundary and risk losing her as a friend, or would I compromise the boundary and tolerate something I said I would not?
When she was in a sober moment, I went to her and told her that I loved her. I expressed concern that her drinking was very destructive to her life and that if she ever wanted my support to stop drinking, I would do anything I could. Then I told her about my boundary. Her choices were totally up to her and I wasn’t trying to change her, but as long as she continued to drink, she couldn’t be in my life.
This happened almost ten years ago. I haven’t seen her since. I still love her and she’s welcome back in my life at any time she is willing to commit to sobriety.
Boundaries can be hard to keep. Sometimes we have to give up cherished things in order to preserve what we honor even more—ourselves.
By the time of her relapse, I had done a lot of work with boundaries. One of the boundaries I had set for myself was that I would not allow drunks in my life. My father had been a drunk, and I simply wasn’t going to deal with that type of destructive energy again.
I had a very hard decision to make. It was clear my friend was not going to give up drinking again any time soon, if ever. Would I enforce the boundary and risk losing her as a friend, or would I compromise the boundary and tolerate something I said I would not?
When she was in a sober moment, I went to her and told her that I loved her. I expressed concern that her drinking was very destructive to her life and that if she ever wanted my support to stop drinking, I would do anything I could. Then I told her about my boundary. Her choices were totally up to her and I wasn’t trying to change her, but as long as she continued to drink, she couldn’t be in my life.
This happened almost ten years ago. I haven’t seen her since. I still love her and she’s welcome back in my life at any time she is willing to commit to sobriety.
Boundaries can be hard to keep. Sometimes we have to give up cherished things in order to preserve what we honor even more—ourselves.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
If you weren’t raised with good boundaries, how do you even start setting them?
Look at the needs you have articulated. Then write boundaries that will help get each of your needs met. Formalize them; don’t just leave them in your head.
For example, I have a need for safety. Here are some of my boundaries related to safety:
How does simply writing a boundary change the actions of others?
Once you establish a boundary, you do need to communicate it. This is usually harder with people you already know, because you will be changing the ground rules they are used to. It’s best to first communicate your boundaries at a time that is not emotionally intense—when the other person is more likely to hear you.
One approach: Find a time when it feels comfortable to simply say that you have been looking at what you need to have in place to live the kind of life you want. As a result, you have decided to establish some boundaries. You would like to let them know what these boundaries are and ask that they be respected.
What happens if a boundary is not respected?
Then you restate it to the person who attempted to cross it. You may also need to impose a consequence if restating it doesn’t work. For example, if my boundary that no one is allowed to raise their voice to me is being violated, then I might do the following:
First, restate. “You know, John, I have requested that you not raise your voice to me.”
Then, if John continues to raise his voice, “John, it is not acceptable to me that you are yelling at me. Please stop or we will have to discontinue our discussion.”
If he continues, I would leave the situation by saying “I will not continue this discussion while you are yelling at me. I would be happy to discuss the matter when you are able to speak respectfully to me.”
I can imagine that setting boundaries could make the people around you pretty mad. What do you do about that?
You’re right. It can be very upsetting to the balance of relationships. People who are intimidating, controlling or manipulative usually have a pretty strong reaction when you set boundaries with them.
Remember, they are your boundaries. No one else gets a vote! Don’t debate whether they are fair. That is for you alone to decide. Also remember that your boundaries are about you, and no one else. If the other person has a reaction, that’s about them. Let them have their reaction and deal with it—it’s not your job. Just keep communicating the boundary. If unfortunately, you see over time that someone is unwilling to respect your boundaries, you may decide that person can’t have a prominent place in your life.
It’s your choice to have the boundary. It’s their choice to respect it or not.
This boundary thing seems like a lot of work. I mean, do you go around giving everyone you meet a list of your boundaries?
It’s interesting—once you have internalized a boundary (meaning you have really made it a part of your life), people rarely violate it. It’s as if they know the boundary is there without you even having to say it.
I work with a lot of business owners and high-level corporate executives. Some are big bullies used to treating those around them less than respectfully. It’s funny, but they are always respectful to me. Always. It’s because of my boundaries. They just know I’m not one to be disrespected.
Why is it particularly powerful for a sexual abuse survivor to set and maintain strong boundaries?
Most sexual abuse survivors lack boundaries because, when they were young, what should have been their boundaries were totally ignored. So they never learned the skill of setting boundaries and having them honored. A child is too small to enforce what he or she intuitively knows is right, never developing that sense of “this is where I end and the world begins.”
As adults, we can reclaim our territory—ourselves. Setting boundaries is a powerful step in that direction.
Look at the needs you have articulated. Then write boundaries that will help get each of your needs met. Formalize them; don’t just leave them in your head.
For example, I have a need for safety. Here are some of my boundaries related to safety:
- No one is allowed to raise their voice to me.
- No one may touch me without my permission.
- Abusive people may have no role in my personal or professional life.
- Active alcoholics cannot be in my life.
How does simply writing a boundary change the actions of others?
Once you establish a boundary, you do need to communicate it. This is usually harder with people you already know, because you will be changing the ground rules they are used to. It’s best to first communicate your boundaries at a time that is not emotionally intense—when the other person is more likely to hear you.
One approach: Find a time when it feels comfortable to simply say that you have been looking at what you need to have in place to live the kind of life you want. As a result, you have decided to establish some boundaries. You would like to let them know what these boundaries are and ask that they be respected.
What happens if a boundary is not respected?
Then you restate it to the person who attempted to cross it. You may also need to impose a consequence if restating it doesn’t work. For example, if my boundary that no one is allowed to raise their voice to me is being violated, then I might do the following:
First, restate. “You know, John, I have requested that you not raise your voice to me.”
Then, if John continues to raise his voice, “John, it is not acceptable to me that you are yelling at me. Please stop or we will have to discontinue our discussion.”
If he continues, I would leave the situation by saying “I will not continue this discussion while you are yelling at me. I would be happy to discuss the matter when you are able to speak respectfully to me.”
I can imagine that setting boundaries could make the people around you pretty mad. What do you do about that?
You’re right. It can be very upsetting to the balance of relationships. People who are intimidating, controlling or manipulative usually have a pretty strong reaction when you set boundaries with them.
Remember, they are your boundaries. No one else gets a vote! Don’t debate whether they are fair. That is for you alone to decide. Also remember that your boundaries are about you, and no one else. If the other person has a reaction, that’s about them. Let them have their reaction and deal with it—it’s not your job. Just keep communicating the boundary. If unfortunately, you see over time that someone is unwilling to respect your boundaries, you may decide that person can’t have a prominent place in your life.
It’s your choice to have the boundary. It’s their choice to respect it or not.
This boundary thing seems like a lot of work. I mean, do you go around giving everyone you meet a list of your boundaries?
It’s interesting—once you have internalized a boundary (meaning you have really made it a part of your life), people rarely violate it. It’s as if they know the boundary is there without you even having to say it.
I work with a lot of business owners and high-level corporate executives. Some are big bullies used to treating those around them less than respectfully. It’s funny, but they are always respectful to me. Always. It’s because of my boundaries. They just know I’m not one to be disrespected.
Why is it particularly powerful for a sexual abuse survivor to set and maintain strong boundaries?
Most sexual abuse survivors lack boundaries because, when they were young, what should have been their boundaries were totally ignored. So they never learned the skill of setting boundaries and having them honored. A child is too small to enforce what he or she intuitively knows is right, never developing that sense of “this is where I end and the world begins.”
As adults, we can reclaim our territory—ourselves. Setting boundaries is a powerful step in that direction.
Action Steps
A great exercise for creating a frame of reference is to write your life story.
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
