We’ve talked about how to move from victim to survivor. And about expanding your identity beyond survivor. But what’s beyond that? I believe the ultimate purpose of our lives—and the final stage of our healing process—is to give back. To leave a legacy.
A person’s legacy is intricately connected to his or her purpose in life. And I believe that this purpose reveals itself over time.
You don’t go in search of it. It finds you. When it does, you know it. And when you know it—what your own purpose is—you begin to understand what your legacy might be.
At this point, life gets incredibly interesting. This is what makes it all—the good and bad, the pain and joy, everything—worthwhile.
My Story
For years my life was filled with contaminated relationships. They epitomized the term “co-dependent.” I would find people whose lives weren’t working and try to “save” them. Share my wisdom with them. Give them endless support. Give until there was no more to give. It was awful. A dead-end. I finally “got it” that I had better save myself first!
Once I learned that “saving” others was just a way to avoid doing my own hard work, I pretty much gave it up. In fact, I went to the other extreme. I wasn’t going to be a savior to anyone. For a time it became very important to me that I not be one of those people out there trying to save the world. I had been at such an extreme on the “saving” continuum that I had to move to the other end for a while before it could balance out.
After several years at the opposite end of the spectrum, I had to ask myself, “So is all the suffering you went through just your own private tragedy? Did it serve no other purpose than to make you strong and cunning? Did it produce no greater good than teaching you survivor skills and giving you a vehicle for self awareness?” Something told me I was finally ready to give back.
Thus, this website, and my career as a professional business coach.
I stepped slowly into this “giving back” thing. It scared me because I had done it for the wrong reasons for so long. In the past, I had given as a way to be needed, to feel powerful, to deserve love.
My old way of giving sent the message to others “Let me do it for you, since you don’t have it within you to do it yourself.” This was harmful. It took their power away.
I needed to learn some important things before I could give back in a positive way. Before I could leave a legacy.
First, I came to the belief that all of us have the capacity to learn and change. While I may be the catalyst for such learning and changing, everyone holds the power to make such shifts for themselves.
So, when others try to give me the credit for their life being better, I don’t accept it. They did it. Not me. I cannot change anyone. I may share some insights that another internalizes and works with, but make no mistake, each individual does the work for him or herself. That said, I always try to acknowledge their gift of expressing gratitude.
Next, I had to learn to detach from the outcome. If you are “helping” another and are attached to the outcome of a situation, then it’s really not about helping the other person, it’s about you. When you can detach from the outcome, then you are pretty “clean” in your giving. The term “no strings attached” becomes authentic.
Finally, the most important thing I learned about legacy is that it comes through me, but not from me. That may sound odd, but it’s true.
When I am in a state of true giving, I know that what’s being given flows from some higher source through me. It’s effortless. This understanding has changed my whole perspective on giving. The time was when giving used to tire me. I couldn’t give too much, or I felt I would run out. As I learned to let the giving flow through me, I realized that there is an endless supply. It no longer tires me.
This is it! This is sheer joy. To come full circle, tapping into a higher, transformative power. To take a localized event that happened to me as an individual and use it as a force for healing on our planet.
We all can do this. You can do this. At some point, you can take your pain and transform it into a powerful force for good in this world. It won’t be in the same way I have done it. It will be your way. And your way will find you when you are ready. Your only job is to make yourself ready. Do that by healing.
Once I learned that “saving” others was just a way to avoid doing my own hard work, I pretty much gave it up. In fact, I went to the other extreme. I wasn’t going to be a savior to anyone. For a time it became very important to me that I not be one of those people out there trying to save the world. I had been at such an extreme on the “saving” continuum that I had to move to the other end for a while before it could balance out.
After several years at the opposite end of the spectrum, I had to ask myself, “So is all the suffering you went through just your own private tragedy? Did it serve no other purpose than to make you strong and cunning? Did it produce no greater good than teaching you survivor skills and giving you a vehicle for self awareness?” Something told me I was finally ready to give back.
Thus, this website, and my career as a professional business coach.
I stepped slowly into this “giving back” thing. It scared me because I had done it for the wrong reasons for so long. In the past, I had given as a way to be needed, to feel powerful, to deserve love.
My old way of giving sent the message to others “Let me do it for you, since you don’t have it within you to do it yourself.” This was harmful. It took their power away.
I needed to learn some important things before I could give back in a positive way. Before I could leave a legacy.
First, I came to the belief that all of us have the capacity to learn and change. While I may be the catalyst for such learning and changing, everyone holds the power to make such shifts for themselves.
So, when others try to give me the credit for their life being better, I don’t accept it. They did it. Not me. I cannot change anyone. I may share some insights that another internalizes and works with, but make no mistake, each individual does the work for him or herself. That said, I always try to acknowledge their gift of expressing gratitude.
Next, I had to learn to detach from the outcome. If you are “helping” another and are attached to the outcome of a situation, then it’s really not about helping the other person, it’s about you. When you can detach from the outcome, then you are pretty “clean” in your giving. The term “no strings attached” becomes authentic.
Finally, the most important thing I learned about legacy is that it comes through me, but not from me. That may sound odd, but it’s true.
When I am in a state of true giving, I know that what’s being given flows from some higher source through me. It’s effortless. This understanding has changed my whole perspective on giving. The time was when giving used to tire me. I couldn’t give too much, or I felt I would run out. As I learned to let the giving flow through me, I realized that there is an endless supply. It no longer tires me.
This is it! This is sheer joy. To come full circle, tapping into a higher, transformative power. To take a localized event that happened to me as an individual and use it as a force for healing on our planet.
We all can do this. You can do this. At some point, you can take your pain and transform it into a powerful force for good in this world. It won’t be in the same way I have done it. It will be your way. And your way will find you when you are ready. Your only job is to make yourself ready. Do that by healing.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
What do you mean by saying that you were trying to help others in the wrong way?
I came to realize that what I was doing wasn’t about helping at all. It was about me, my way to avoid doing my own work. If I could focus on others, I didn’t have to be with me. If they could absorb my time and energy, I didn’t have to face my own demons. And if I could get them to depend on me, then maybe they wouldn’t abandon me. They might even give me something that felt like love. But I learned that working with others when I had this kind of mindset wasn’t helping, it was hurting.
It seems like when you say you detach from the outcome that you don’t care about what happens to the other person. Is that what you really mean?
I care deeply. And yet, I can let go. I care and detach at the same time. It empowers the other person to take my gift and do with it what he/she will. Without my judging or wanting it to turn out a certain way. I think it’s one of the most respectful things we can do for each other. Care and detach.
You lost me when you said giving comes through you, but not from you. Can you tell me more about this?
Let’s take creating this website as an example. It has been effortless. I sit down with my laptop and see if something comes. If it does, I start writing it down. It flows. It comes through my heart much more than through my head. And I am absolutely certain that it comes from a place beyond my own limited self. It comes from a universal consciousness. Some would call it God or a higher power. I believe that each of us is here to connect with this “flow.” I believe that by connecting with this higher power and becoming a conduit of wisdom into the world, we are living our life purpose. We are leaving our legacy.
I always get confused when I think about big concepts like “What is my purpose in life?” How do you go about discovering that?
As I said, it’s really more about it finding you than you finding it. A book I found particularly insightful is Dawna Markova’s I Will Not Die an Unlived Life: Reclaiming Purpose and Passion. It’s a nice roadmap.
I came to realize that what I was doing wasn’t about helping at all. It was about me, my way to avoid doing my own work. If I could focus on others, I didn’t have to be with me. If they could absorb my time and energy, I didn’t have to face my own demons. And if I could get them to depend on me, then maybe they wouldn’t abandon me. They might even give me something that felt like love. But I learned that working with others when I had this kind of mindset wasn’t helping, it was hurting.
It seems like when you say you detach from the outcome that you don’t care about what happens to the other person. Is that what you really mean?
I care deeply. And yet, I can let go. I care and detach at the same time. It empowers the other person to take my gift and do with it what he/she will. Without my judging or wanting it to turn out a certain way. I think it’s one of the most respectful things we can do for each other. Care and detach.
You lost me when you said giving comes through you, but not from you. Can you tell me more about this?
Let’s take creating this website as an example. It has been effortless. I sit down with my laptop and see if something comes. If it does, I start writing it down. It flows. It comes through my heart much more than through my head. And I am absolutely certain that it comes from a place beyond my own limited self. It comes from a universal consciousness. Some would call it God or a higher power. I believe that each of us is here to connect with this “flow.” I believe that by connecting with this higher power and becoming a conduit of wisdom into the world, we are living our life purpose. We are leaving our legacy.
I always get confused when I think about big concepts like “What is my purpose in life?” How do you go about discovering that?
As I said, it’s really more about it finding you than you finding it. A book I found particularly insightful is Dawna Markova’s I Will Not Die an Unlived Life: Reclaiming Purpose and Passion. It’s a nice roadmap.
Action Steps
Your actions here will depend on where you are in your healing process.
f you are just beginning your healing process …
Don’t focus on legacy just yet. Just know that you will eventually leave a legacy. Focus, for now, on yourself.
If you are in the middle of your healing process …
Take a hard look at the ways in which you are “giving” and ask yourself these questions:
If the answer is “yes” to any of these questions, then stop trying to give for a while. I know that sounds selfish, but you will really be doing everyone a favor, including yourself.
Instead of focusing on others, ask yourself:
If you are through the bulk of your healing work …
Become still. Focus on “being” rather than “doing.” Get quiet enough to hear the call. Open your mind to the endless possibilities for your life. Connect to pursuits that you feel passion for. Give it as much time as it needs. Your purpose will find you. And you will know it when it does. Trust that this will happen.
While you are waiting, grow yourself. Read books to expand your horizons. Associate with people who seem to come from a place of higher consciousness. When you are ready, your purpose will be clear. That’s when you will know what your legacy is.
f you are just beginning your healing process …
Don’t focus on legacy just yet. Just know that you will eventually leave a legacy. Focus, for now, on yourself.
If you are in the middle of your healing process …
Take a hard look at the ways in which you are “giving” and ask yourself these questions:
- Do I get a charge out of giving?
- Do I become angry, hurt or frustrated when people don’t appreciate all I do for them?
- Do I give more in my relationships than I get back?
If the answer is “yes” to any of these questions, then stop trying to give for a while. I know that sounds selfish, but you will really be doing everyone a favor, including yourself.
Instead of focusing on others, ask yourself:
- What have I been giving to others that I really need to be giving to myself?
- What can I do to show myself the love I seek from others?
- What need am I satisfying by giving to others that I really need to meet myself?
If you are through the bulk of your healing work …
Become still. Focus on “being” rather than “doing.” Get quiet enough to hear the call. Open your mind to the endless possibilities for your life. Connect to pursuits that you feel passion for. Give it as much time as it needs. Your purpose will find you. And you will know it when it does. Trust that this will happen.
While you are waiting, grow yourself. Read books to expand your horizons. Associate with people who seem to come from a place of higher consciousness. When you are ready, your purpose will be clear. That’s when you will know what your legacy is.
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
