Getting Your Needs Met |
In the personal coaching field we often introduce clients to the idea of getting their needs met. This is a powerful skill that can be used to eliminate behaviors that are no longer serving us.
When I speak of getting your needs met, I’m referring to personal needs that are distinctive to you—not universal needs like food, water, air. A personal need is something that we feel driven to have, but for whatever reason we haven’t been able to get enough of it to make that driven feeling go away.
I know my needs by heart. Safety is one. Peace is another. To be cared for is one more. And honesty is a fourth need of mine. Your own personal needs might be totally different. Maybe you crave acknowledgement. Or maybe you desire comfort in your life. There is no judgment attached. One’s personal needs are what they are.
The point is that needs must be met in order for us to be happy. And what’s really interesting is this—they find a way to get met. These needs drive our decisions, like the software that runs in the background of a computer drives what the machine does. But sometimes the way our personal needs get met is not in our best interest.
For survivor of child sexual abuse, until you have entered the healing process, your deepest needs have gone unidentified and unmet. Even so, they have been working on you. Behind the scenes, these needs have been very busy, creating the patterns of behavior and thinking we so often find in our lives.
If you have a long-standing pattern of behavior that isn’t serving you, but you haven’t been able to break it, you can bet a need is the driving force behind it.
But how does a person figure out his or her personal needs? Thomas Leonard created the NeedLess Checklist for this purpose. It provides the means for determining what our top four needs are. Once we do this, we can figure out a way to get these priority needs met consciously.
Why is this so valuable? Because when we meet our needs consciously, they stop driving our decision-making behind the scenes, in ways that may not serve us well. I have found this understanding of personal needs to be one of the most effective tools I’ve ever encountered for breaking old, nonproductive patterns.
When I speak of getting your needs met, I’m referring to personal needs that are distinctive to you—not universal needs like food, water, air. A personal need is something that we feel driven to have, but for whatever reason we haven’t been able to get enough of it to make that driven feeling go away.
I know my needs by heart. Safety is one. Peace is another. To be cared for is one more. And honesty is a fourth need of mine. Your own personal needs might be totally different. Maybe you crave acknowledgement. Or maybe you desire comfort in your life. There is no judgment attached. One’s personal needs are what they are.
The point is that needs must be met in order for us to be happy. And what’s really interesting is this—they find a way to get met. These needs drive our decisions, like the software that runs in the background of a computer drives what the machine does. But sometimes the way our personal needs get met is not in our best interest.
For survivor of child sexual abuse, until you have entered the healing process, your deepest needs have gone unidentified and unmet. Even so, they have been working on you. Behind the scenes, these needs have been very busy, creating the patterns of behavior and thinking we so often find in our lives.
If you have a long-standing pattern of behavior that isn’t serving you, but you haven’t been able to break it, you can bet a need is the driving force behind it.
But how does a person figure out his or her personal needs? Thomas Leonard created the NeedLess Checklist for this purpose. It provides the means for determining what our top four needs are. Once we do this, we can figure out a way to get these priority needs met consciously.
Why is this so valuable? Because when we meet our needs consciously, they stop driving our decision-making behind the scenes, in ways that may not serve us well. I have found this understanding of personal needs to be one of the most effective tools I’ve ever encountered for breaking old, nonproductive patterns.
My Story
Running was an important part of my healing. It helped me process emotions. It gave me a sense of strength and accomplishment. And those endorphins! What a great way to feel great.
For many years I had a running partner. We trained together several times a week and ran all over the city on our long runs. When she decided to move outside the city it became logistically impractical to run together on a regular basis, so I began running alone. I noticed a big change in the quality of my runs. A tension developed around my running that had not been there before. The joy went out of running, so much so that I almost decided to give it up.
My personal need for safety was not being met—this was the problem. With a partner, I had always felt safe running in the city. Without one, I was feeling vulnerable. What I didn’t know then, that I know now, was that my need for safety was so strong that it was interfering with my ability to lead my life the way I wanted.
Fortunately, the idea came to me to buy a Rottweiler, one of those big black and brown dogs that would give pause to any sane person who might want to harm me. Bear, who has become a beloved pet, has met my need for safety all the years since. My running became fun again. Understanding the personal need that was driving my decision-making, and figuring out how to meet it, prevented that need from causing me to give up something that was very beneficial.
For many years I had a running partner. We trained together several times a week and ran all over the city on our long runs. When she decided to move outside the city it became logistically impractical to run together on a regular basis, so I began running alone. I noticed a big change in the quality of my runs. A tension developed around my running that had not been there before. The joy went out of running, so much so that I almost decided to give it up.
My personal need for safety was not being met—this was the problem. With a partner, I had always felt safe running in the city. Without one, I was feeling vulnerable. What I didn’t know then, that I know now, was that my need for safety was so strong that it was interfering with my ability to lead my life the way I wanted.
Fortunately, the idea came to me to buy a Rottweiler, one of those big black and brown dogs that would give pause to any sane person who might want to harm me. Bear, who has become a beloved pet, has met my need for safety all the years since. My running became fun again. Understanding the personal need that was driving my decision-making, and figuring out how to meet it, prevented that need from causing me to give up something that was very beneficial.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
So how was it that you managed to get that safety need met before you even knew about “needs”?
Luck. Instinct. It just worked out that way. What’s really cool is that with Thomas Leonard’s NeedLess Checklist, we no longer have to be hit or miss about it. We can consciously determine our needs and meet them in a way that serves us.
Let me refer you to the needs discussion in his book The Portable Coach, p. 161. (Step 13: Getting Your Personal Needs Met, Once and For All)
The way I apply it is to take the following steps:
What do you mean by “conscious, automatic, ongoing and healthy”?
Bear, my Rottweiler, is a great example of all these attributes. Buying this dog was a conscious decision to deter anyone who might harm me. She lives here now—it’s automatic. I don’t have to do anything special to protect myself—she goes out the front door with me every time I go out. She’s an ongoing protection—as long as she lives, she will protect me. She is a healthy way to meet my need for safety, as opposed to the option of giving up running.
If I do this, get my needs met, what can I expect to happen?
Lots! You may notice that you are less dependent on others or on external circumstances for your happiness. You may see long-standing patterns of dysfunctional behavior between yourself and others start to disappear. You may find yourself making very different decisions than would have been true in the past. In short, your life will start working better.
This is powerful stuff. Give it a try!
Why is it especially important for child sexual abuse survivors to learn to get their needs met?
As children, many of our basic needs were ignored. So, more than some people, we never developed the skills to even know what our needs are, much less get them met. That’s why learning about how to understand and take responsibility for our own needs is so empowering for sexual abuse survivors.
Luck. Instinct. It just worked out that way. What’s really cool is that with Thomas Leonard’s NeedLess Checklist, we no longer have to be hit or miss about it. We can consciously determine our needs and meet them in a way that serves us.
Let me refer you to the needs discussion in his book The Portable Coach, p. 161. (Step 13: Getting Your Personal Needs Met, Once and For All)
The way I apply it is to take the following steps:
- Identify your top four needs (see the Your Action section that follows)
- Set up a way to get each of these needs met in a conscious way that is automatic, ongoing and healthy.
What do you mean by “conscious, automatic, ongoing and healthy”?
- Automatic – happens without you having to take any special action that isn’t a natural part of your life.
- Conscious – something you do intentionally, with forethought.
- Ongoing – you plan for it to continue indefinitely.
- Healthy – it serves you well.
Bear, my Rottweiler, is a great example of all these attributes. Buying this dog was a conscious decision to deter anyone who might harm me. She lives here now—it’s automatic. I don’t have to do anything special to protect myself—she goes out the front door with me every time I go out. She’s an ongoing protection—as long as she lives, she will protect me. She is a healthy way to meet my need for safety, as opposed to the option of giving up running.
If I do this, get my needs met, what can I expect to happen?
Lots! You may notice that you are less dependent on others or on external circumstances for your happiness. You may see long-standing patterns of dysfunctional behavior between yourself and others start to disappear. You may find yourself making very different decisions than would have been true in the past. In short, your life will start working better.
This is powerful stuff. Give it a try!
Why is it especially important for child sexual abuse survivors to learn to get their needs met?
As children, many of our basic needs were ignored. So, more than some people, we never developed the skills to even know what our needs are, much less get them met. That’s why learning about how to understand and take responsibility for our own needs is so empowering for sexual abuse survivors.
Action Steps
Take the NeedLess Checklist.
Either Google Needless Checklist or click here.
Read everything Step One, but I would suggest you follow a slightly different assessment procedure than in the instructions. Here’s what I want you to do:
List your top four needs below:
Need #1 _______________________
Need #2 _______________________
Need #3 _______________________
Need #4 ______________________
Simply identifying your needs is a powerful step. Knowing what they are increases your awareness about who you are.
As you consider your top four needs, ask yourself these questions:
Okay, so you know what your needs are and have a basic understanding that they have been driving your decision-making. Now what?
Now it’s time to get them met consciously, in an automatic, ongoing and healthy way.
Take one need at a time and consider what system you can install in your life to meet that need. What do we mean by a system? Something that, once in place, works in an automatic and ongoing way. My Rottweiler is a system.
Here’s another example. After I had sold my former business and gone to Coach U, I decided to become a full-time coach. In making the transition, I accepted a job running a company out of town for a year. That meant flying there and back each week.
As I considered whether to accept the job, I felt conflicted. On one hand, I could do it in three days a week so it left lots of time to build my coaching practice. And the job paid well. I felt torn, however. By then, I had studied needs in my coach training. I realized that one of my needs was generating the conflicted feelings. It was my need to feel cared for!
Flying to out of town and back each week felt like a lot of wear and tear—getting to the airport, dealing with parking hassles, lugging my stuff, lots of waiting. I knew I wouldn’t feel cared for if I did that for the entire year. So, I decided to make a request of my husband. I asked him if he would be willing to take me to the airport and pick me up every week for a year. Big request! He gave it a lot of thought and decided that was something he was willing to do. (Have I mentioned he’s the greatest guy on the planet?)
What happened? Well, it was great! Instead of feeling like a worn-out road warrior, I really enjoyed our time together riding to and from to the airport. Each time I returned, my husband picked me up and took me out to dinner and we discussed our time apart. Very romantic. I felt wrapped in the perpetual warmth of feeling cared for.
This is a great example of how a conscious understanding of the way our needs work can make an enormous difference in quality of life. Without that awareness, I would have taken the job because that was what made the most sense to do. But I would have felt conflicted and not been sure why. I would have resented the travel. I would have been hard to live with. There would have been conflict. You get the picture. Instead, I had a whole year of getting my need to feel cared for met. What a difference!
That’s a system. My husband taking me to the airport and picking me up was a system that met my need to feel cared for.
Your action is to install, over time, a system for meeting each one of your top four needs. You may find that one system can satisfy more than one need. If so, great!
Here are a couple of pointers. You can get your needs met in a variety of ways:
Anytime you find yourself very upset about something, ask what need is not being met. Then, ask yourself how you will get it met in a conscious, automatic, ongoing and healthy way.
This work is very powerful and takes place over time. You may find it helpful to work with a professional coach trained to help in the identification and understanding of needs. (Go to the coach referral service at coachu.com or at www.coachingfederation.org.)
Either Google Needless Checklist or click here.
Read everything Step One, but I would suggest you follow a slightly different assessment procedure than in the instructions. Here’s what I want you to do:
- Highlight all the words in the Checklist that you believe are needs for you.
- Go back and count how many words you have highlighted in each category.
- Write down the names of the categories that have the top four most words highlighted or circled. These are your top four needs. If you have a tie, go with your “gut” as to which is a higher need for you.
List your top four needs below:
Need #1 _______________________
Need #2 _______________________
Need #3 _______________________
Need #4 ______________________
Simply identifying your needs is a powerful step. Knowing what they are increases your awareness about who you are.
As you consider your top four needs, ask yourself these questions:
- In what ways are these needs getting themselves met today?
- Are those ways serving me well?
- Do I see these needs behind patterns in my life?
- Are there better ways to get these needs met than the ways I am using?
- As I reflect on times I have been very upset with a person or situation, can I see how the root cause was that one or more of my needs was not being met?
Okay, so you know what your needs are and have a basic understanding that they have been driving your decision-making. Now what?
Now it’s time to get them met consciously, in an automatic, ongoing and healthy way.
Take one need at a time and consider what system you can install in your life to meet that need. What do we mean by a system? Something that, once in place, works in an automatic and ongoing way. My Rottweiler is a system.
Here’s another example. After I had sold my former business and gone to Coach U, I decided to become a full-time coach. In making the transition, I accepted a job running a company out of town for a year. That meant flying there and back each week.
As I considered whether to accept the job, I felt conflicted. On one hand, I could do it in three days a week so it left lots of time to build my coaching practice. And the job paid well. I felt torn, however. By then, I had studied needs in my coach training. I realized that one of my needs was generating the conflicted feelings. It was my need to feel cared for!
Flying to out of town and back each week felt like a lot of wear and tear—getting to the airport, dealing with parking hassles, lugging my stuff, lots of waiting. I knew I wouldn’t feel cared for if I did that for the entire year. So, I decided to make a request of my husband. I asked him if he would be willing to take me to the airport and pick me up every week for a year. Big request! He gave it a lot of thought and decided that was something he was willing to do. (Have I mentioned he’s the greatest guy on the planet?)
What happened? Well, it was great! Instead of feeling like a worn-out road warrior, I really enjoyed our time together riding to and from to the airport. Each time I returned, my husband picked me up and took me out to dinner and we discussed our time apart. Very romantic. I felt wrapped in the perpetual warmth of feeling cared for.
This is a great example of how a conscious understanding of the way our needs work can make an enormous difference in quality of life. Without that awareness, I would have taken the job because that was what made the most sense to do. But I would have felt conflicted and not been sure why. I would have resented the travel. I would have been hard to live with. There would have been conflict. You get the picture. Instead, I had a whole year of getting my need to feel cared for met. What a difference!
That’s a system. My husband taking me to the airport and picking me up was a system that met my need to feel cared for.
Your action is to install, over time, a system for meeting each one of your top four needs. You may find that one system can satisfy more than one need. If so, great!
Here are a couple of pointers. You can get your needs met in a variety of ways:
- Meet them yourself.
- Make a request of another.
- Buy something – a thing or a service.
- Trade something – a thing or a service – with someone.
Anytime you find yourself very upset about something, ask what need is not being met. Then, ask yourself how you will get it met in a conscious, automatic, ongoing and healthy way.
This work is very powerful and takes place over time. You may find it helpful to work with a professional coach trained to help in the identification and understanding of needs. (Go to the coach referral service at coachu.com or at www.coachingfederation.org.)
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
