Getting Complete |
Another concept from my coach training that I think can be immensely helpful to child sexual abuse survivors is called “incompletions.” Very much like tolerations, incompletions drain our energy and take our focus off what is most important.
Incompletions are things or situations that feel unfinished in a way that nags at us. A conversation we had that just didn’t feel right. The project we started six months ago and is still sitting on the dining table.
Just as with tolerations, we easily become numb to incompletions. Gaining awareness of them and “getting complete” can help you use your energy more effectively and allow you to focus on more productive aspects of your life.
Incompletions are things or situations that feel unfinished in a way that nags at us. A conversation we had that just didn’t feel right. The project we started six months ago and is still sitting on the dining table.
Just as with tolerations, we easily become numb to incompletions. Gaining awareness of them and “getting complete” can help you use your energy more effectively and allow you to focus on more productive aspects of your life.
My Story
Early in my coach training, I interviewed four coaches to be my mentor coach. I liked them all and knew I would have a hard time deciding which one I wanted to work with. I told each one that I would let him or her know what I was going to do after I finished interviewing all four. I decided which coach I wanted to work with and set up a time to get started. I wrote on my to-do list, “Let coaches know I will be working with another coach.”
Somehow I always found something else on that list to do instead. The item stayed on my to-do list, but I never called the other three coaches. I felt badly about not doing what I had said I would do. A year went by.
I started studying incompletions and realized that this was a big one for me. I hadn’t been aware of how much it had drained me. There it was, first thing every morning, on my list. I realized it was taking a lot of energy to avoid it.
I decided to get complete with the three coaches. It took less than 15 minutes to make those calls. Fifteen minutes to eliminate a weight I had carried for over a year! I felt as if I had just taken the weight of the world off my shoulders—and the interesting thing was that I hadn’t even been conscious of carrying it.
Somehow I always found something else on that list to do instead. The item stayed on my to-do list, but I never called the other three coaches. I felt badly about not doing what I had said I would do. A year went by.
I started studying incompletions and realized that this was a big one for me. I hadn’t been aware of how much it had drained me. There it was, first thing every morning, on my list. I realized it was taking a lot of energy to avoid it.
I decided to get complete with the three coaches. It took less than 15 minutes to make those calls. Fifteen minutes to eliminate a weight I had carried for over a year! I felt as if I had just taken the weight of the world off my shoulders—and the interesting thing was that I hadn’t even been conscious of carrying it.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
What should I look for to identify incompletions?
See if any of these ring a bell:
Are unrecovered memories incompletions?
I believe so … but I am not recommending that you try to force them into your consciousness. As we have discussed, memories come when you are ready to have them.
What about confronting the abuser or telling about the abuse? Are those incompletions?
They are only incompletions at the point that you know you are ready to do them.
You may very legitimately decide that it would never be good—for the rest of your life—to confront your abuser. Once you make peace with this decision, there is no incompletion involved. It’s only an incompletion if you feel the need to do something and not doing it is costing you.
See if any of these ring a bell:
- Questions about your financial status
- Remaining undecided about whether to accept an invitation
- Unfinished “thank you” notes
- Holiday decorations that are still in boxes under the stairs in the living room
- Those 15 unfinished books sitting on your nightstand
- That nagging feeling that Mary sounded angry with you in your last conversation
- The uncomfortable conversation you know you need to have with your boss
Are unrecovered memories incompletions?
I believe so … but I am not recommending that you try to force them into your consciousness. As we have discussed, memories come when you are ready to have them.
What about confronting the abuser or telling about the abuse? Are those incompletions?
They are only incompletions at the point that you know you are ready to do them.
You may very legitimately decide that it would never be good—for the rest of your life—to confront your abuser. Once you make peace with this decision, there is no incompletion involved. It’s only an incompletion if you feel the need to do something and not doing it is costing you.
Action Steps
First, list all the incompletions you can think of.
Next, pick one to complete. You may want to start small.
Also, as with tolerations, there may be lynchpin incompletions. (This is an incompletion, which when complete, completes several others all at once.) If you want to make a big move, pick one of those.
Keep getting complete with things—at your own pace. Again, a professional coach can be very helpful with this work.
Next, pick one to complete. You may want to start small.
Also, as with tolerations, there may be lynchpin incompletions. (This is an incompletion, which when complete, completes several others all at once.) If you want to make a big move, pick one of those.
Keep getting complete with things—at your own pace. Again, a professional coach can be very helpful with this work.
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
