Once we come to understand the impact of abuse on our past, we often tell ourselves that we are victims. It’s a common term. Victims of crime. Victims of rape. Victims of a disaster. Victims of sexual child abuse. Incest victim.
I hate the word “victim.” It’s powerless. It’s passive. Again, I point to the passage from Eckert Tolle that opens this book. The word “victim” wrongly suggests that the past is more powerful than the present.
For we who make the choice to heal, the idea of victim simply is not relevant. At the moment of violation, one is a victim. But now we have a choice not to be. Those of us who have chosen to keep living are no longer victims. We are survivors.
I like that word. Survivor. It has power and action and energy.
Survivor means that you have made the choice not to let the abuse kill you. Or destroy your life. Or keep you down.
Survivor. Good word. Claim it. Use it.
I hate the word “victim.” It’s powerless. It’s passive. Again, I point to the passage from Eckert Tolle that opens this book. The word “victim” wrongly suggests that the past is more powerful than the present.
For we who make the choice to heal, the idea of victim simply is not relevant. At the moment of violation, one is a victim. But now we have a choice not to be. Those of us who have chosen to keep living are no longer victims. We are survivors.
I like that word. Survivor. It has power and action and energy.
Survivor means that you have made the choice not to let the abuse kill you. Or destroy your life. Or keep you down.
Survivor. Good word. Claim it. Use it.
My Story
I went from being a victim to a survivor when I read The Courage To Heal and first read the term “survivor” used for someone in my circumstances. Later, when I joined my incest survivor group, I came to appreciate the full meaning of the word. These women were no longer victims. They refused to live a shattered life. They had taken charge of their healing and were rebuilding. It took courage—amazing courage. I gained tremendous respect for the term “survivor.”
In that group, for the first time in my life, I was in a place where I really belonged. I fit in. We all understood each other. I found a term, survivor, that made sense of my life. Once I knew I was a sexual abuse survivor, everything that had felt murky and dark began to come into the light and into focus.
Be proud that you are a survivor. Own your ability to survive. Know that it means you are special. Understand how strong you really are to have survived.
Someday, you will move beyond being just a survivor. Someday, you will round out your self-description with lots of wonderful terms that connote action, positive accomplishment and joy. But for now, wear the term “survivor” proudly. You’ve earned it.
In that group, for the first time in my life, I was in a place where I really belonged. I fit in. We all understood each other. I found a term, survivor, that made sense of my life. Once I knew I was a sexual abuse survivor, everything that had felt murky and dark began to come into the light and into focus.
Be proud that you are a survivor. Own your ability to survive. Know that it means you are special. Understand how strong you really are to have survived.
Someday, you will move beyond being just a survivor. Someday, you will round out your self-description with lots of wonderful terms that connote action, positive accomplishment and joy. But for now, wear the term “survivor” proudly. You’ve earned it.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
It seems that dwelling on the fact that you are a sexual abuse survivor is simply living in the past. Why would you want to do that?
I’m definitely not talking about living in the past. Claiming your identity as a survivor is very much about creating a different and better present and future. Survivors are very, very strong people who have overcome a lot to be where they are today.
As children, our sense of self is stolen when we are violated. Then, usually, those around us deny the abuse. We are told that what we know is real actually isn’t real after all. We then begin to question our own reality.
Once we understand there was abuse in our past and that we survived it, we have something to hang our hats on. I know this might sound odd, but at a certain point in our life, it’s a very important identity. Being able to claim “I am a sexual abuse survivor” matters enormously. Having a self-chosen and affirmed identity provides context for our lives, for why we are the way we are.
Claiming the survivor identity also begins to restore the sense of control that was lost during the abuse. You and I didn’t have a choice about being abused. Now, we do have a choice. A choice for survival. Being a survivor is an empowering thing.
I’m definitely not talking about living in the past. Claiming your identity as a survivor is very much about creating a different and better present and future. Survivors are very, very strong people who have overcome a lot to be where they are today.
As children, our sense of self is stolen when we are violated. Then, usually, those around us deny the abuse. We are told that what we know is real actually isn’t real after all. We then begin to question our own reality.
Once we understand there was abuse in our past and that we survived it, we have something to hang our hats on. I know this might sound odd, but at a certain point in our life, it’s a very important identity. Being able to claim “I am a sexual abuse survivor” matters enormously. Having a self-chosen and affirmed identity provides context for our lives, for why we are the way we are.
Claiming the survivor identity also begins to restore the sense of control that was lost during the abuse. You and I didn’t have a choice about being abused. Now, we do have a choice. A choice for survival. Being a survivor is an empowering thing.
Action Steps
Have you ever said the words, “I am an incest survivor”? Or "I am a sexual abuse survivor"? If so, great. No more homework.
If not, try saying those words. Out loud. To yourself at first. Say it while looking in a mirror. Then try it with someone you trust—make sure the individual is someone who won’t be negative or judgmental.
How do you feel when you say the words?
Over time, as you heal, you will be able to say them without a lot of effort. They will be easily spoken, like saying “I have blue eyes.” At that point, you will be ready to move beyond the limited identity of a sexual abuse survivor to the greater, more complete individual that is you. More about that later in this book.
If not, try saying those words. Out loud. To yourself at first. Say it while looking in a mirror. Then try it with someone you trust—make sure the individual is someone who won’t be negative or judgmental.
How do you feel when you say the words?
Over time, as you heal, you will be able to say them without a lot of effort. They will be easily spoken, like saying “I have blue eyes.” At that point, you will be ready to move beyond the limited identity of a sexual abuse survivor to the greater, more complete individual that is you. More about that later in this book.
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
