A Frame of Reference
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A sure, confident sense of what is normal is one of the great robberies that sexual abuse inflicts upon a child.
Whatever we grow up with is our norm. Without a way to compare what goes on in our homes with what goes on in other homes, sexual abuse survivors have no idea of the extent of dysfunction that existed in their childhood world. They lack a frame of reference for what is normal.
As adults, we must realistically appraise our childhood and decide what parts of it were not normal. It likely will mean uncovering layers and layers of things that were not normal. You may need help from someone who grew up in normal circumstances to do this. Until we get a firm grasp on normal, we may accept things in our lives that don't serve us well. We need to cultivate the ability to differentiate.
Whatever we grow up with is our norm. Without a way to compare what goes on in our homes with what goes on in other homes, sexual abuse survivors have no idea of the extent of dysfunction that existed in their childhood world. They lack a frame of reference for what is normal.
As adults, we must realistically appraise our childhood and decide what parts of it were not normal. It likely will mean uncovering layers and layers of things that were not normal. You may need help from someone who grew up in normal circumstances to do this. Until we get a firm grasp on normal, we may accept things in our lives that don't serve us well. We need to cultivate the ability to differentiate.
My Story
A good friend and I were having dinner. For some reason I don’t recall, the conversation turned to my telling her that when I was a child, a young man from Japan had worked for my family in exchange for a place to stay in the United States. I mentioned that I really liked the few months he was with us, because it meant I didn’t have to live alone in the house.
As my friend questioned me, I told her that my mother and stepfather had moved into a different house on the same property. They left me to live alone, at age 12 or so, in the main house.
My friend is a pediatrician. Her jaw dropped. She was thinking of the impact this type of neglect would have on a child. Even more amazing to her was the fact that I had accepted my home life as totally natural—even after I became an adult. I had known her for years and had never thought to mention it. In fact, I had been in therapy for years and had never mentioned it there, either. I wasn’t hiding anything, but I had no frame of reference to understand that parents just don’t move out and leave a child to live alone.
When we have no frame of reference, we accept outrageous situations as normal. So it is with child sexual abuse.
As my friend questioned me, I told her that my mother and stepfather had moved into a different house on the same property. They left me to live alone, at age 12 or so, in the main house.
My friend is a pediatrician. Her jaw dropped. She was thinking of the impact this type of neglect would have on a child. Even more amazing to her was the fact that I had accepted my home life as totally natural—even after I became an adult. I had known her for years and had never thought to mention it. In fact, I had been in therapy for years and had never mentioned it there, either. I wasn’t hiding anything, but I had no frame of reference to understand that parents just don’t move out and leave a child to live alone.
When we have no frame of reference, we accept outrageous situations as normal. So it is with child sexual abuse.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
I find it hard to believe that you were left to live alone as a child and you didn’t find anything unusual about that? Didn’t you notice that your friends all lived in the same house as their parents and you didn’t?
Yes, I noticed, but I was so used to feeling different that it seemed normal. Nothing in my family seemed like my friends’ families. I had been conditioned to just accept our unusual circumstances. My parents were divorced. My father was an alcoholic. My stepfather was a madman. All the sexual abuse was occurring, and I was forgetting it as it happened. Nothing in my world made any sense, and that began to feel normal. The fact that I lived alone at an early age was par for the course to me. This just shows how things can get incredibly out of whack when we don’t recognize what is and is not normal.
Why is it important to develop a frame of reference for “normal” as an adult?
It puts things in perspective, so we can make choices now for a functional life. Without a frame of reference, we may perpetuate harmful patterns simply because we don’t realize they are dysfunctional. A perfect example is the woman who marries an abusive man after living a childhood of abuse. It feels normal. There is no frame of reference for what living with a non-abusive man would be like.
What is the best way to develop a frame of reference?
For me, the best course was to talk with people who could validate what was “normal” and what wasn’t. I had to be told some things over and over again. Like that it was not normal for me to be left alone many times with a 45-year-old man who had a history of alcohol abuse. Or that it was not normal for my stepfather to fondle me at night under the guise of checking my underwear under my nightgown.
What else helped you re-frame “normal”?
I was amazed to watch some of my friends with their children. They treated the kids respectfully. I had never experienced that kind of parent-child interaction before. Their children were allowed to have an opinion. My frame of reference, at first, was so skewed that I thought the parents were just being soft. Over time, I came to realize that this is the way to raise healthy children.
Observing people whose lives worked well is a good way to re-frame. Look at how they do things, the choices they make, the way they treat others. I’ve already mentioned my husband’s family as one illustration. Another example was my business partner. He was a great teacher in this respect. He had a very sound sense of who he was, with strong boundaries. He modeled this every day just in the way he conducted himself. Over time, I learned by watching him. His example helped me come to a new understanding of what was “normal.”
Yes, I noticed, but I was so used to feeling different that it seemed normal. Nothing in my family seemed like my friends’ families. I had been conditioned to just accept our unusual circumstances. My parents were divorced. My father was an alcoholic. My stepfather was a madman. All the sexual abuse was occurring, and I was forgetting it as it happened. Nothing in my world made any sense, and that began to feel normal. The fact that I lived alone at an early age was par for the course to me. This just shows how things can get incredibly out of whack when we don’t recognize what is and is not normal.
Why is it important to develop a frame of reference for “normal” as an adult?
It puts things in perspective, so we can make choices now for a functional life. Without a frame of reference, we may perpetuate harmful patterns simply because we don’t realize they are dysfunctional. A perfect example is the woman who marries an abusive man after living a childhood of abuse. It feels normal. There is no frame of reference for what living with a non-abusive man would be like.
What is the best way to develop a frame of reference?
For me, the best course was to talk with people who could validate what was “normal” and what wasn’t. I had to be told some things over and over again. Like that it was not normal for me to be left alone many times with a 45-year-old man who had a history of alcohol abuse. Or that it was not normal for my stepfather to fondle me at night under the guise of checking my underwear under my nightgown.
What else helped you re-frame “normal”?
I was amazed to watch some of my friends with their children. They treated the kids respectfully. I had never experienced that kind of parent-child interaction before. Their children were allowed to have an opinion. My frame of reference, at first, was so skewed that I thought the parents were just being soft. Over time, I came to realize that this is the way to raise healthy children.
Observing people whose lives worked well is a good way to re-frame. Look at how they do things, the choices they make, the way they treat others. I’ve already mentioned my husband’s family as one illustration. Another example was my business partner. He was a great teacher in this respect. He had a very sound sense of who he was, with strong boundaries. He modeled this every day just in the way he conducted himself. Over time, I learned by watching him. His example helped me come to a new understanding of what was “normal.”
Action Steps
A great exercise for creating a frame of reference is to write your life story. It doesn’t have to be a huge volume, just bullet points of key aspects of your life will suffice. Then share it with a therapist or members of your survivor group. Get their feedback. Have them validate for you things that were dysfunctional.
Now, look at your life today and ask yourself if you are perpetuating any of this dysfunction. Decide what changes you will commit to make. Begin taking action.
Now, look at your life today and ask yourself if you are perpetuating any of this dysfunction. Decide what changes you will commit to make. Begin taking action.
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
