Feeling the Feelings |
Healing is not an intellectual exercise. It’s important to understand your life in the context of the abuse, of course, but eventually, healing comes down to feeling your feelings.
When abuse happens, the natural response is to feel a storm of emotions about the violation—anger, hurt, anxiety, shame, terror.
But, at the time of the abuse, we don’t have the luxury of feeling such emotions fully. We need to survive. This often means stuffing what we are feeling—packing it away out of our mind’s eye.
Prior to healing, we spend a lot of energy trying not to feel those stuffed emotions. We go numb. Or, the emotions spill out at times that are not appropriate for the situation. We use today’s events to surface old emotions. And when this happens, we can seem like the proverbial “basket case” to people around us.
Here’s the deal: Until you can feel your feelings about the original violation, your life isn’t going to work very well.
My Story
My husband surprised me with a trip to the mountains. We went to a lovely bed and breakfast with gorgeous vistas of the autumn colors. We hiked the banks of a beautiful river. Ideal. Romantic.
I couldn’t feel a thing.
I remember staring at that river and knowing that I should be appreciating the beauty of this day. Of this man who loved me so. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Shortly after that trip, I became aware of a concept that made a lot of sense to me: You can only feel joy to the degree that you are willing to feel pain. The trip to the mountains came at a point in my healing when I was avoiding feeling all the “bad” feelings. This kept me from feeling the joy in that trip to the mountains. My life felt like cardboard. I was unable to experience the joy that exists in so many situations.
As I learned to open myself to my feelings, I became aware of a sense of joy that I had never known before. And a sense of love. And delight in simple things. Life filled with color, sounds, smells. A wonderment began.
It’s worth feeling the feelings to claim the wonderment.
I couldn’t feel a thing.
I remember staring at that river and knowing that I should be appreciating the beauty of this day. Of this man who loved me so. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Shortly after that trip, I became aware of a concept that made a lot of sense to me: You can only feel joy to the degree that you are willing to feel pain. The trip to the mountains came at a point in my healing when I was avoiding feeling all the “bad” feelings. This kept me from feeling the joy in that trip to the mountains. My life felt like cardboard. I was unable to experience the joy that exists in so many situations.
As I learned to open myself to my feelings, I became aware of a sense of joy that I had never known before. And a sense of love. And delight in simple things. Life filled with color, sounds, smells. A wonderment began.
It’s worth feeling the feelings to claim the wonderment.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
Why is it important to dig up all this old pain? Why not just leave it alone and move on?
The old pain works as a chain that holds you in place until you unlock yourself from it. As long as you confine the emotional range within which you live, you will limit the joy you could be experiencing. Until you feel all your feelings, they stay stuck inside you and you stay stuck in your old patterns.
I don’t know what you mean by “feel the feelings.” Exactly how does someone do that? What if they are stuck inside? What if you don’t even know what they are?
This is an important question. It is hard, after years of stuffing them, to suddenly say “Okay, now let’s feel.” Like so much else in this healing process, this work takes time.
Different techniques may help tap into our feelings.
You may notice times when you know you should be feeling something, but you aren’t. For example, your boss has just done something disrespectful to you. You should be angry, but you feel numb. At such a moment, tune into your body. Is there a place those feelings seem to be stuck? (Does your chest feel tight, your back hurt, your throat feel constricted?) Ask your body what’s stuck there and to let you feel it. Experience what comes up.
Or you may connect to your feelings by doing something physical like exercise or yoga. Or by getting a massage. Or being in a very relaxed state. My experience in the mountains notwithstanding, being in nature can sometimes connect us to our stuffed emotions.
Try different things and see what works for you. You’ll know what works when your emotions flow rather than getting stuck in your body.
As I have said before, the setting is very important. You will need to have a safe environment in which to let these feelings out—a place where they (and you) will be honored.
What do you do with these feelings once you feel them?
You get them out any safe way you can! I remember a time a friend of mine (another sexual abuse survivor) and I were having a yard sale. She brought over a box that contained a full set of dishes she intended to sell. We were both very irritable with each other as we were preparing for the sale. We realized that it was “old stuff” bubbling up. It was anger about our abuse and it needed an outlet.
We put the dishes in my car and drove to a place where the city was building a bridge and had installed huge concrete walls for support. No one was around. One by one, we smashed those dishes against the wall. We named them with our abusers’ names. We named their crimes. We shattered them. We annihilated that entire set of dishes.
What power! What relief. What fun!
So the answer is to get it out. Whatever you are feeling. In any way you can. Cry it out. Scream it out. Break things (safely). Talk it out. Write it out. As someone once told me, there is a lot more room on the outside than in your insides. Let it out! Always be careful to deal with feelings in a way that will not harm yourself or others. If you have concerns about this, seek support from a therapist as you do this work.
What if it damages me to feel these feelings? I know I have been protecting myself by not feeling them.
When you were a child, you had to protect yourself by not feeling. You didn’t have the support system in place to handle those emotions. As an adult, you have the ability to make it safe to feel them.
If you have concerns about letting the feelings out, work with a trained professional. They can help you know what is safe. My own experience is that I never felt something I wasn’t ready to feel. Feeling my feelings never once damaged me.
How do you go about living a normal life with all these feelings pouring out all the time?
You feel the feelings and they pass. This is one of the ways you know that “free falling” as I described it earlier is safe and healing rather than dangerous. The feelings don’t stay with you in a heightened state forever. Once they pass, you usually feel a sense of relief. Then, you are able to get back to your normal life.
The old pain works as a chain that holds you in place until you unlock yourself from it. As long as you confine the emotional range within which you live, you will limit the joy you could be experiencing. Until you feel all your feelings, they stay stuck inside you and you stay stuck in your old patterns.
I don’t know what you mean by “feel the feelings.” Exactly how does someone do that? What if they are stuck inside? What if you don’t even know what they are?
This is an important question. It is hard, after years of stuffing them, to suddenly say “Okay, now let’s feel.” Like so much else in this healing process, this work takes time.
Different techniques may help tap into our feelings.
You may notice times when you know you should be feeling something, but you aren’t. For example, your boss has just done something disrespectful to you. You should be angry, but you feel numb. At such a moment, tune into your body. Is there a place those feelings seem to be stuck? (Does your chest feel tight, your back hurt, your throat feel constricted?) Ask your body what’s stuck there and to let you feel it. Experience what comes up.
Or you may connect to your feelings by doing something physical like exercise or yoga. Or by getting a massage. Or being in a very relaxed state. My experience in the mountains notwithstanding, being in nature can sometimes connect us to our stuffed emotions.
Try different things and see what works for you. You’ll know what works when your emotions flow rather than getting stuck in your body.
As I have said before, the setting is very important. You will need to have a safe environment in which to let these feelings out—a place where they (and you) will be honored.
What do you do with these feelings once you feel them?
You get them out any safe way you can! I remember a time a friend of mine (another sexual abuse survivor) and I were having a yard sale. She brought over a box that contained a full set of dishes she intended to sell. We were both very irritable with each other as we were preparing for the sale. We realized that it was “old stuff” bubbling up. It was anger about our abuse and it needed an outlet.
We put the dishes in my car and drove to a place where the city was building a bridge and had installed huge concrete walls for support. No one was around. One by one, we smashed those dishes against the wall. We named them with our abusers’ names. We named their crimes. We shattered them. We annihilated that entire set of dishes.
What power! What relief. What fun!
So the answer is to get it out. Whatever you are feeling. In any way you can. Cry it out. Scream it out. Break things (safely). Talk it out. Write it out. As someone once told me, there is a lot more room on the outside than in your insides. Let it out! Always be careful to deal with feelings in a way that will not harm yourself or others. If you have concerns about this, seek support from a therapist as you do this work.
What if it damages me to feel these feelings? I know I have been protecting myself by not feeling them.
When you were a child, you had to protect yourself by not feeling. You didn’t have the support system in place to handle those emotions. As an adult, you have the ability to make it safe to feel them.
If you have concerns about letting the feelings out, work with a trained professional. They can help you know what is safe. My own experience is that I never felt something I wasn’t ready to feel. Feeling my feelings never once damaged me.
How do you go about living a normal life with all these feelings pouring out all the time?
You feel the feelings and they pass. This is one of the ways you know that “free falling” as I described it earlier is safe and healing rather than dangerous. The feelings don’t stay with you in a heightened state forever. Once they pass, you usually feel a sense of relief. Then, you are able to get back to your normal life.
Action Steps
As with most of the concepts in this book, feeling your feelings is not a one-time deal. You will come back to this over and over again.
First, recognize that—as I have said before—feelings are just feelings. As you “un-stuff” them, they lose their power over you. In fact, feelings can remind you that the power is now in your hands. You get to decide what, if any, action to take when you feel something.
Second, remember that if you resist feeling a feeling, that feeling becomes stronger. You have to spend more effort to keep it in. On the other hand, if you move toward it, rather than shy away from it, it will intensify for a while and then diminish. It goes away!
Try this when you think you are ready:
First, recognize that—as I have said before—feelings are just feelings. As you “un-stuff” them, they lose their power over you. In fact, feelings can remind you that the power is now in your hands. You get to decide what, if any, action to take when you feel something.
Second, remember that if you resist feeling a feeling, that feeling becomes stronger. You have to spend more effort to keep it in. On the other hand, if you move toward it, rather than shy away from it, it will intensify for a while and then diminish. It goes away!
Try this when you think you are ready:
- See if you can identify one feeling (anger, sadness, shame, etc.) that is scary to feel.
- Is there a place it’s located in your body?
- What are the characteristics (dense, hot, pressure, tight, etc.) of the feeling?
- Explore what happens if you simply observe it without becoming emotional about it. For instance, simply think “my neck feels tight” in a matter-of-fact way.
- When you are ready, move your focus toward it. Name it. “This is anger.” “This is hatred.” “This is shame.” Open yourself to feeling it. Stop all resistance to it. Own it.
- Do anything physical (non-harming, of course) you need to do to let it out. Cry. Scream. Throw rocks! Whatever it takes. Or write it out, if that feels right.
- Notice what happens when you fully allow the feeling to surface and pass through you. How does your body feel after the feeling has passed? Doesn’t it feel better than before?
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
