At some point in healing, there comes a moment of decision. Confront the perpetrator or not? This is such a complex issue that I recommend working with a trained professional when making this decision.
The fact that someone is dysfunctional enough to abuse a child makes him or her an inherently unsafe person to confront. The individual has a vested interest in denial. And, through the sexual abuse, the person has set up a complicated web of intimidation with the survivor.
It’s important to remember that you may choose from a couple of courses of action. You may confront the perpetrator directly. Or, if that would not be good for you or is impossible for some reason, you can confront a surrogate.
The fact that someone is dysfunctional enough to abuse a child makes him or her an inherently unsafe person to confront. The individual has a vested interest in denial. And, through the sexual abuse, the person has set up a complicated web of intimidation with the survivor.
It’s important to remember that you may choose from a couple of courses of action. You may confront the perpetrator directly. Or, if that would not be good for you or is impossible for some reason, you can confront a surrogate.
My Story
With four abusers, there’s a lot of confronting to do. It took years. It took facing tremendous fear and walking straight into it. It took the help of my sexual abuse survivors group and the therapists who led it.
Three of my abusers were dead by the time I recovered my memories. I had no choice but to confront surrogates—either people role-playing the abuser or objects I endowed with the attributes of the abuser for a period of time. Or, by writing them letters to speak my mind.
I began with the therapists in my sexual abuse survivors group. One would play the abuser and the other would support me as I confronted her. It’s amazing how real this feels. All the emotions are front and center: fear, anger, hatred, shame. This was some of the most powerful work I did because it allowed me to say all the things I needed to say in a way that was safe for me.
At other times I used objects that I could physically attack. The physicality of it was important. I still keep a set of therapeutic bats—made to hit things without damaging them—in my closet. For years, when the need to confront, to tell the truth, to lash out arises I took the bats out and beat the hell out of something I deemed to be the abuser. It always served me well.
In some cases, I wrote powerful letters to give voice to all the pain and hatred I had been holding inside. Putting that energy into the universe felt very cleansing and empowering—even though the abuser wasn’t alive to read the letter.
As I write this, one abuser is still alive. Up to this point, I have not chosen to confront him directly. He’s getting old, so I will have to do it soon if I’m going to do it at all. For now, I have decided not to. The main reason is that I believe him to be a truly evil man. The others were highly dysfunctional, but I don’t deem them evil. I believe this man is evil. A professional friend of mine has the opinion that he’s a sociopath, meaning he lacks a conscience. The way he has lived his life says that is true. I don’t believe I would benefit from confronting him. Actually, I don’t want to give him the opportunity to try to hurt me again. And he would try. It’s what he does.
I must admit feeling a bit conflicted about this decision. On one hand, I know how powerful the confronting experience has always been for me. On the other, I don’t want to risk making myself feel vulnerable to him in any way. Although I sincerely doubt he could still exercise that power, the truth is, I don’t have any way of knowing since I haven’t dealt with him for so long. The only way to find out would be to take a risk I’m not yet ready to take. Will I ever be ready? I don’t know. I stay open to the possibility.
Three of my abusers were dead by the time I recovered my memories. I had no choice but to confront surrogates—either people role-playing the abuser or objects I endowed with the attributes of the abuser for a period of time. Or, by writing them letters to speak my mind.
I began with the therapists in my sexual abuse survivors group. One would play the abuser and the other would support me as I confronted her. It’s amazing how real this feels. All the emotions are front and center: fear, anger, hatred, shame. This was some of the most powerful work I did because it allowed me to say all the things I needed to say in a way that was safe for me.
At other times I used objects that I could physically attack. The physicality of it was important. I still keep a set of therapeutic bats—made to hit things without damaging them—in my closet. For years, when the need to confront, to tell the truth, to lash out arises I took the bats out and beat the hell out of something I deemed to be the abuser. It always served me well.
In some cases, I wrote powerful letters to give voice to all the pain and hatred I had been holding inside. Putting that energy into the universe felt very cleansing and empowering—even though the abuser wasn’t alive to read the letter.
As I write this, one abuser is still alive. Up to this point, I have not chosen to confront him directly. He’s getting old, so I will have to do it soon if I’m going to do it at all. For now, I have decided not to. The main reason is that I believe him to be a truly evil man. The others were highly dysfunctional, but I don’t deem them evil. I believe this man is evil. A professional friend of mine has the opinion that he’s a sociopath, meaning he lacks a conscience. The way he has lived his life says that is true. I don’t believe I would benefit from confronting him. Actually, I don’t want to give him the opportunity to try to hurt me again. And he would try. It’s what he does.
I must admit feeling a bit conflicted about this decision. On one hand, I know how powerful the confronting experience has always been for me. On the other, I don’t want to risk making myself feel vulnerable to him in any way. Although I sincerely doubt he could still exercise that power, the truth is, I don’t have any way of knowing since I haven’t dealt with him for so long. The only way to find out would be to take a risk I’m not yet ready to take. Will I ever be ready? I don’t know. I stay open to the possibility.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
I don’t see how you can get any satisfaction at all out of confronting a surrogate. Please explain.
A therapist could give you a clinical reason; I can just give you the practical affirmation that it works. I felt enormous relief and power from the confrontations with surrogates. It felt real, it felt scary, it felt difficult, it felt challenging. And afterwards, I felt strong and proud for having done it. Every time.
If you were going to confront the actual person, what steps would you take?
I would do the following things:
You had four abusers. Is it common to have multiple abusers?
I don’t know how common it is. In my situation, the dynamic that led to one abuser being in my life opened the door for many abusers. My mother was attracted to abusers. Because she didn’t have a filter for who was safe and who wasn’t, she allowed a lot of unsafe people into my world.
If I remember one abuser, should I be concerned that there were others?
Not necessarily. And I certainly wouldn’t go looking for them. If there were others, they will surface when you are ready.
A therapist could give you a clinical reason; I can just give you the practical affirmation that it works. I felt enormous relief and power from the confrontations with surrogates. It felt real, it felt scary, it felt difficult, it felt challenging. And afterwards, I felt strong and proud for having done it. Every time.
If you were going to confront the actual person, what steps would you take?
I would do the following things:
- Work with a trained professional to decide if this is the best course of action for you.
- Wait to confront until you know you will not be damaged by the abuser’s reaction, no matter what he/she does.
- Decide what you want out of the confrontation. Plan what you will say. Practice it.
- Think about what reaction you might receive and how you might respond.
- Decide whether to have someone there for support during the confrontation.
- Pick the time and place that feel safest. If you have any concerns about a physical reaction from the abuser, bring enough people with you to ensure your safety.
You had four abusers. Is it common to have multiple abusers?
I don’t know how common it is. In my situation, the dynamic that led to one abuser being in my life opened the door for many abusers. My mother was attracted to abusers. Because she didn’t have a filter for who was safe and who wasn’t, she allowed a lot of unsafe people into my world.
If I remember one abuser, should I be concerned that there were others?
Not necessarily. And I certainly wouldn’t go looking for them. If there were others, they will surface when you are ready.
Action Steps
You’ll know when it’s time to confront. Don’t feel a need to rush. When you feel ready to deal with the decision, you can choose whether to confront the actual abuser or a surrogate. Work with a professional. This is an area in which you should make sure you get all the support you need.
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
