Your
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Free falling is the first step in the healing process. It only works, however, if it’s combined with commitment and action.
My Story
The decision to free fall was an impulse. Staying with the free fall meant making a commitment—a commitment to myself. I had never done that before.
From the outside, it looked like I was committed to myself. I was a successful businessperson who lived a “good” life. But I was surprised to realize that I had been committed to appearing to be okay—not really committed to doing the work necessary to be okay—not really committed to myself.
I had always been big on taking care of others. The weaker and more downtrodden, the more I was attracted to rescuing them. I felt a big commitment to those I was trying to save!
It was a heavy load, and it kept me very busy, running and emotionally bankrupt. It also kept me from taking care of one particular person — myself. This approach had worked for me all my life—until now.
The commitment to heal required putting all that aside and deciding that I was going to put myself first. In our society, this is frowned upon. It’s considered selfish.
I’m here to tell you that it is the only way to give back to this world.
As I got into my healing process, I began to notice some subtle changes in some of those around me. By putting myself first in my life, I angered some people. My changing scared them. When I was focused on me, I wasn’t as available to them. This didn’t happen with everyone, of course. But it happened often enough that I noticed it.
I began to realize that dedication to my healing process would likely mean making a big shift in some of my relationships. Some people just can’t deal with that. But I learned that was okay. It taught me a lot about people in my life. The ones who were able to give me the space to do my healing work have continued to be some of my closest friends. The ones who couldn’t went away. Painful? Yes. But looking back on it, it was perfect.
Seeing what was happening in my personal life, I also had to face the fear that being so occupied with healing would endanger my business. The energy and focus I needed to put into healing would mean that I had much less to give to the company.
But while I had a lot of fear about some of the consequences of starting my healing journey, I knew that if I didn’t take care of myself—get my inner world right—I could never really be there for anyone else. And my life would never be all I hoped it could be.
So I fully committed to my healing and made it my mission. There's reason that organizations have mission statements. It helps them remember why they are doing what they do. It gives them a guiding light when things get foggy. As humans, we need guiding lights as well.
I wrote my healing mission statement down:
I am worth healing!
Healing comes first!
Nothing will stop me!
This mission became my battle cry. I clung to it when everything else felt stripped away. It got me through. It guided my choices. It cost me at times—but only temporarily. And it never cost me anything that is of value to me today.
From the outside, it looked like I was committed to myself. I was a successful businessperson who lived a “good” life. But I was surprised to realize that I had been committed to appearing to be okay—not really committed to doing the work necessary to be okay—not really committed to myself.
I had always been big on taking care of others. The weaker and more downtrodden, the more I was attracted to rescuing them. I felt a big commitment to those I was trying to save!
It was a heavy load, and it kept me very busy, running and emotionally bankrupt. It also kept me from taking care of one particular person — myself. This approach had worked for me all my life—until now.
The commitment to heal required putting all that aside and deciding that I was going to put myself first. In our society, this is frowned upon. It’s considered selfish.
I’m here to tell you that it is the only way to give back to this world.
As I got into my healing process, I began to notice some subtle changes in some of those around me. By putting myself first in my life, I angered some people. My changing scared them. When I was focused on me, I wasn’t as available to them. This didn’t happen with everyone, of course. But it happened often enough that I noticed it.
I began to realize that dedication to my healing process would likely mean making a big shift in some of my relationships. Some people just can’t deal with that. But I learned that was okay. It taught me a lot about people in my life. The ones who were able to give me the space to do my healing work have continued to be some of my closest friends. The ones who couldn’t went away. Painful? Yes. But looking back on it, it was perfect.
Seeing what was happening in my personal life, I also had to face the fear that being so occupied with healing would endanger my business. The energy and focus I needed to put into healing would mean that I had much less to give to the company.
But while I had a lot of fear about some of the consequences of starting my healing journey, I knew that if I didn’t take care of myself—get my inner world right—I could never really be there for anyone else. And my life would never be all I hoped it could be.
So I fully committed to my healing and made it my mission. There's reason that organizations have mission statements. It helps them remember why they are doing what they do. It gives them a guiding light when things get foggy. As humans, we need guiding lights as well.
I wrote my healing mission statement down:
I am worth healing!
Healing comes first!
Nothing will stop me!
This mission became my battle cry. I clung to it when everything else felt stripped away. It got me through. It guided my choices. It cost me at times—but only temporarily. And it never cost me anything that is of value to me today.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
So why did you have to make a choice between taking care of yourself and taking care of others? Couldn’t you do both?
No. Not for a while. And not in the way I had been “taking care” of others. I had fallen into the trap of codependency. I took care of others so they would be there to take care of me. We all know that doesn’t work. It’s a fantasy. I had to become responsible for my own care. It was an inside job. Later, after I had done a lot of healing, I was able to be there for others again. At the beginning, though, it would have been like asking a person who is going down for the third time to save someone else. Couldn’t be done.
When you say it cost you, what does that mean?
Many of the people who were in my life at the beginning of my healing process are not in it now. Some couldn’t adjust as I shifted priorities.
I came to see some others as too unhealthy to be around. Prior to beginning the healing, I was drawn to abusive people. Their behavior was the way I had been raised as a child. They felt familiar to me. Now they had to go. They were simply too costly to have in my life.
My business suffered. The company I owned was struggling against a declining economy and increased competition. There was one day that I knew that if I didn’t re-focus from healing to my business, the company was likely to go under. I had spent years building the company. We had forty employees counting on their paychecks. Every penny I had was in it.
I made a hard decision. I chose myself.
There were times when healing felt like a full-time job. Often I was simply too exhausted from the inner work to do anything else. One of the most important things in my life, the business, had to play second fiddle to healing. There were periods when I could focus on work and it was enough to get by. But, even if it had meant losing the business, the price would have been worth it. Fortunately, the company survived along with me.
You also said that you never lost anything of real value. Didn’t you value your friends and your business?
Sure. They played an important role in my life for a time. But what I have come to value today is very different from what I thought was important then. Now, I don’t hold on to as much. I see people and businesses and experiences as teachers who come into our lives for a time to teach us what we need to learn. Many (not all) move on. That’s okay. Plenty more are on the way!
Did you tell anyone about your Healing Mission Statement?
Yes. I found safe people with whom to share my mission, people who would support it. My husband. My therapist. The women in my incest survivors group. There is great power in saying your commitment out loud to witnesses.
A Healing Mission Statement sounds pretty silly to me. Sort of like all that positive thinking stuff that only lasts a little while. Why is it so important?
I’m usually pretty cynical myself about this kind of thing. The reason the mission statement is so powerful, I believe, is that sexual abuse survivors have had their power stripped away. Part of our healing is to get it back. Making a clear statement for ourselves is a way to start finding our power.
No. Not for a while. And not in the way I had been “taking care” of others. I had fallen into the trap of codependency. I took care of others so they would be there to take care of me. We all know that doesn’t work. It’s a fantasy. I had to become responsible for my own care. It was an inside job. Later, after I had done a lot of healing, I was able to be there for others again. At the beginning, though, it would have been like asking a person who is going down for the third time to save someone else. Couldn’t be done.
When you say it cost you, what does that mean?
Many of the people who were in my life at the beginning of my healing process are not in it now. Some couldn’t adjust as I shifted priorities.
I came to see some others as too unhealthy to be around. Prior to beginning the healing, I was drawn to abusive people. Their behavior was the way I had been raised as a child. They felt familiar to me. Now they had to go. They were simply too costly to have in my life.
My business suffered. The company I owned was struggling against a declining economy and increased competition. There was one day that I knew that if I didn’t re-focus from healing to my business, the company was likely to go under. I had spent years building the company. We had forty employees counting on their paychecks. Every penny I had was in it.
I made a hard decision. I chose myself.
There were times when healing felt like a full-time job. Often I was simply too exhausted from the inner work to do anything else. One of the most important things in my life, the business, had to play second fiddle to healing. There were periods when I could focus on work and it was enough to get by. But, even if it had meant losing the business, the price would have been worth it. Fortunately, the company survived along with me.
You also said that you never lost anything of real value. Didn’t you value your friends and your business?
Sure. They played an important role in my life for a time. But what I have come to value today is very different from what I thought was important then. Now, I don’t hold on to as much. I see people and businesses and experiences as teachers who come into our lives for a time to teach us what we need to learn. Many (not all) move on. That’s okay. Plenty more are on the way!
Did you tell anyone about your Healing Mission Statement?
Yes. I found safe people with whom to share my mission, people who would support it. My husband. My therapist. The women in my incest survivors group. There is great power in saying your commitment out loud to witnesses.
A Healing Mission Statement sounds pretty silly to me. Sort of like all that positive thinking stuff that only lasts a little while. Why is it so important?
I’m usually pretty cynical myself about this kind of thing. The reason the mission statement is so powerful, I believe, is that sexual abuse survivors have had their power stripped away. Part of our healing is to get it back. Making a clear statement for ourselves is a way to start finding our power.
Action Steps
The exercise here is to write your own Healing Mission Statement.
Here are some thought starters:
Write your statement.
Make it visible. Put it where you will see it every day.
Say it out loud. Drive around in your car with the windows up and say it over and over again. Scream it!
Say it to others who are able to respect it.
Here are some thought starters:
- What price have you paid for not putting yourself first?
- To whom do you look to take care of you?
- What would it be like if you found a way for all the stuff that keeps you stuck in unhappiness to go away? What would it be worth to make that happen?
- Are you willing to take a stand for yourself?
- What words can you say for yourself that are so compelling that even you will believe them?
Write your statement.
Make it visible. Put it where you will see it every day.
Say it out loud. Drive around in your car with the windows up and say it over and over again. Scream it!
Say it to others who are able to respect it.
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
