I love the quote in the front of this book from Eckhart Tolle.
“The truth is that the only power there is, is contained within this moment: it is the power of your presence. Once you know that, you also realize that you are responsible for your inner space now—nobody else is—and that the past cannot prevail against the power of the Now.”
To someone who has been abused, this means there is something beyond that identity. We must no longer believe that the past is more powerful than the present.
My Story
So, I learned early in my healing process to call myself a “survivor” rather than a “victim.” It was very helpful, because the word “victim” felt like I was still trapped in the abuse. The word “survivor” meant I had broken loose and made it through.
At first, when I claimed the truth of my childhood, it was such a relief. I finally understood parts of myself that had been a mystery to me. I had a reason for being who I was and acting as I acted. I finally knew why I was so different.
This must be how people feel who have suffered for years from mysterious medical symptoms and then finally are given a diagnosis. “Oh, so I’ve been tired for years because I am diabetic. Now I understand.” It legitimizes how you have been feeling and acting.
As I started telling my story, as the words flowed more and more smoothly, “survivor” became a badge of honor. A source of pride. I became identified with that word. It became my story. For a long, long time, that identity was very useful. In fact, my hope is that all child sexual abuse survivors come so fully to live the survivor identity that they burn out all the shame and guilt in the process. It gives definition and voice to all that which once was hidden and buried and eating us alive. Claiming the survivor identity forces the secret into the light of day, where like all things that thrive in darkness, it shrinks and loses power.
I was a Survivor with a capital “S,” a professional survivor. I learned to hide behind it, to wear it as armor, to use it to my advantage. I could tell my story and have immediate respect. My identity as an incest survivor became my new interface with the world.
Truth to tell, I didn’t want to give it up. It was the first self-shaped identity I had ever really had, and I liked it. Behind that identity, I was safe. And, after years of embracing it, I knew I had to grow beyond it. This was a big turning point in my healing process. As I look back on it, I realize it showed how much I had healed.
At first, when I claimed the truth of my childhood, it was such a relief. I finally understood parts of myself that had been a mystery to me. I had a reason for being who I was and acting as I acted. I finally knew why I was so different.
This must be how people feel who have suffered for years from mysterious medical symptoms and then finally are given a diagnosis. “Oh, so I’ve been tired for years because I am diabetic. Now I understand.” It legitimizes how you have been feeling and acting.
As I started telling my story, as the words flowed more and more smoothly, “survivor” became a badge of honor. A source of pride. I became identified with that word. It became my story. For a long, long time, that identity was very useful. In fact, my hope is that all child sexual abuse survivors come so fully to live the survivor identity that they burn out all the shame and guilt in the process. It gives definition and voice to all that which once was hidden and buried and eating us alive. Claiming the survivor identity forces the secret into the light of day, where like all things that thrive in darkness, it shrinks and loses power.
I was a Survivor with a capital “S,” a professional survivor. I learned to hide behind it, to wear it as armor, to use it to my advantage. I could tell my story and have immediate respect. My identity as an incest survivor became my new interface with the world.
Truth to tell, I didn’t want to give it up. It was the first self-shaped identity I had ever really had, and I liked it. Behind that identity, I was safe. And, after years of embracing it, I knew I had to grow beyond it. This was a big turning point in my healing process. As I look back on it, I realize it showed how much I had healed.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
How did you know you needed to grow beyond identifying yourself as a survivor?
When I used that identity to allow me to stop growing. When I told myself I couldn’t do something that scared me because I’m an incest survivor and I just couldn’t do that. When I used it to get people’s respect—for the fact I survived —not for who I really am today. When I really needed to ask the question, “Who am I beyond being a survivor?”
Does this mean, in any way, that you have grown ashamed of being a survivor?
No. Absolutely not. I will always be a survivor and be proud of that part of me. But, I am a lot of other things. I want to claim all the parts of me. I don’t want to be limited to being only a survivor.
Do you have a new word you use now?
Not really, beyond my name. I’m at a stage when I’d rather not try to define myself with just one word. I am part of the constant ebb and flow of energy that moves through the universe and creates our world. That’s a little hard to put into one word.
When I used that identity to allow me to stop growing. When I told myself I couldn’t do something that scared me because I’m an incest survivor and I just couldn’t do that. When I used it to get people’s respect—for the fact I survived —not for who I really am today. When I really needed to ask the question, “Who am I beyond being a survivor?”
Does this mean, in any way, that you have grown ashamed of being a survivor?
No. Absolutely not. I will always be a survivor and be proud of that part of me. But, I am a lot of other things. I want to claim all the parts of me. I don’t want to be limited to being only a survivor.
Do you have a new word you use now?
Not really, beyond my name. I’m at a stage when I’d rather not try to define myself with just one word. I am part of the constant ebb and flow of energy that moves through the universe and creates our world. That’s a little hard to put into one word.
Action Steps
What I suggest now is only for when you are ready, okay? Only after you have moved from Victim to Survivor and fully embraced being a Survivor.
Make a list of all your attributes. See how broad you can go. That’s all. Just become aware of all that you are.
Then, the next time you meet someone that you might be willing to share your survivor story with, refrain from doing so. See what happens. See how you introduce yourself to the world without that being your whole story.
Make a list of all your attributes. See how broad you can go. That’s all. Just become aware of all that you are.
Then, the next time you meet someone that you might be willing to share your survivor story with, refrain from doing so. See what happens. See how you introduce yourself to the world without that being your whole story.
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
