Whether we are recovering memories or have retained them all along, it’s almost always hard to believe these things really happened. For years, I struggled with believing. Every now and then, a thought popped into my mind: “What if I made all this up?” But why would I ever make this up? I wouldn’t. It would serve no purpose. This work is much too hard to inflict on myself without cause. No one would go through this who didn’t have to.
And then I remember the car accident involving my friend. No one questions that the accident happened just because he couldn’t remember it for years. How dare anyone question that my child sexual abuse memories are not just as valid! Not anyone—not even me!
And then I remember the car accident involving my friend. No one questions that the accident happened just because he couldn’t remember it for years. How dare anyone question that my child sexual abuse memories are not just as valid! Not anyone—not even me!
My Story
Coming to believe was a moment to moment, back and forth kind of thing for me. The memories came, and I flowed between believing them and telling myself I must have made them up. My head and my heart were at war.
My heart said that Daddy would never do this to me, that others who loved me couldn’t have done such things, that my mother would have figured it out and protected me.
However my head said that, when the memories came, they explained so much I had never understood about my life. They filled in the blank spaces. Like missing pieces of a puzzle, they helped my life make sense.
Also, my head said that no one planted these ideas in my brain. No one was pressing me to remember things. An employee going through incest recovery had triggered my memories. They came on their own without any encouragement from me or anyone else.
And I knew that making this up made no sense. I got nothing out of it. It was too painful—much too painful.
For me, it was like the process of believing that someone who has died suddenly is really dead. At times, the realization is in your face. Too much in your face. So, for protection, part of you starts to believe it’s not true. Even though you know it is. You pray to wake up from the nightmare of this knowledge. But you can’t. Every time you wake up, there it is. Over time you make peace with it.
It took me years to make peace with the reality of having been sexually abused. And, even now, I’d rather not believe it. But I know that a significant part of my healing is to honor the truth of my own life.
My heart said that Daddy would never do this to me, that others who loved me couldn’t have done such things, that my mother would have figured it out and protected me.
However my head said that, when the memories came, they explained so much I had never understood about my life. They filled in the blank spaces. Like missing pieces of a puzzle, they helped my life make sense.
Also, my head said that no one planted these ideas in my brain. No one was pressing me to remember things. An employee going through incest recovery had triggered my memories. They came on their own without any encouragement from me or anyone else.
And I knew that making this up made no sense. I got nothing out of it. It was too painful—much too painful.
For me, it was like the process of believing that someone who has died suddenly is really dead. At times, the realization is in your face. Too much in your face. So, for protection, part of you starts to believe it’s not true. Even though you know it is. You pray to wake up from the nightmare of this knowledge. But you can’t. Every time you wake up, there it is. Over time you make peace with it.
It took me years to make peace with the reality of having been sexually abused. And, even now, I’d rather not believe it. But I know that a significant part of my healing is to honor the truth of my own life.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
Why do you think it’s so hard to believe memories?
For a number of reasons:
It’s less painful to believe you made it up than to believe people who loved you could do terrible things. It would make you question whether they really loved you and what that means about your lovability.
Believing also goes against years of reinforcement from others of the notion that what was happening was not really happening. If your childhood environment had been one that acknowledged the abuse as wrong, it would have been stopped. Since it wasn’t stopped, the environment had a strong bias that you, as a child, were required to buy into. Everyone had to pretend that all was normal. Now, in order to believe the reality of what actually happened, you are having to disbelieve what you were taught then. It’s hard.
Did you do anything to try to “prove” your memories?
I never intentionally tried to prove them. But, certain things have happened that have validated them. For example, my stepsister told me of an incident with the family employee who had raped me. She was a teenager. He was still working for my family (this would have been several years after he raped me). She went upstairs in our restaurant and encountered him there. He had been drinking. He grabbed her and tried to force himself on her. She was able to get away from him. This helped me believe that someone I trusted really did rape me.
What if your stepsister hadn’t shared her own experience with you? How crucial was that in your recovery? If a survivor can’t get any external validation, does that matter?
Great question. Many survivors will never get external validation. In fact, many will face angry denial from everyone involved. Truth is truth, period. It does not require validation. The only thing that matters is recovering your truth. You are the only one who gets a vote about what happened in your own life. Do not give others the power to override your truth.
There has been a lot of stuff in the press about people recovering memories and later recanting their claims of abuse. What do you think of that?
It’s a good question and I don’t have a good answer. I don’t know the circumstances or the people involved. All I can speak to is my personal experience. None of the child sexual abuse survivors I know have ever come to believe that their memories are not true. And never once in my survivor group did I doubt that someone was telling the truth. You know truth when you see the raw pain in a survivor’s face as they talk. You know the truth behind the tears and the fears. It’s there and it’s real. You just know it.
For a number of reasons:
It’s less painful to believe you made it up than to believe people who loved you could do terrible things. It would make you question whether they really loved you and what that means about your lovability.
Believing also goes against years of reinforcement from others of the notion that what was happening was not really happening. If your childhood environment had been one that acknowledged the abuse as wrong, it would have been stopped. Since it wasn’t stopped, the environment had a strong bias that you, as a child, were required to buy into. Everyone had to pretend that all was normal. Now, in order to believe the reality of what actually happened, you are having to disbelieve what you were taught then. It’s hard.
Did you do anything to try to “prove” your memories?
I never intentionally tried to prove them. But, certain things have happened that have validated them. For example, my stepsister told me of an incident with the family employee who had raped me. She was a teenager. He was still working for my family (this would have been several years after he raped me). She went upstairs in our restaurant and encountered him there. He had been drinking. He grabbed her and tried to force himself on her. She was able to get away from him. This helped me believe that someone I trusted really did rape me.
What if your stepsister hadn’t shared her own experience with you? How crucial was that in your recovery? If a survivor can’t get any external validation, does that matter?
Great question. Many survivors will never get external validation. In fact, many will face angry denial from everyone involved. Truth is truth, period. It does not require validation. The only thing that matters is recovering your truth. You are the only one who gets a vote about what happened in your own life. Do not give others the power to override your truth.
There has been a lot of stuff in the press about people recovering memories and later recanting their claims of abuse. What do you think of that?
It’s a good question and I don’t have a good answer. I don’t know the circumstances or the people involved. All I can speak to is my personal experience. None of the child sexual abuse survivors I know have ever come to believe that their memories are not true. And never once in my survivor group did I doubt that someone was telling the truth. You know truth when you see the raw pain in a survivor’s face as they talk. You know the truth behind the tears and the fears. It’s there and it’s real. You just know it.
Action Steps
Your action around believing is to come back to this list whenever you are questioning your memories. Ask yourself:
- Why am I on this website? If nothing happened to me, why would I have picked this website out of millions of others?
- How is it serving me to have made this up?
- Am I questioning my truth out of fear of what will happen to relationships in my family? With my abuser?
- Do I need someone who has seen my pain to validate my truth? (This was very helpful for me at times. When I just couldn’t bear to believe it myself, it helped to talk to others who knew it was true from having worked with me. I turned to my incest survivors group and my therapist.)
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