The human ability to survive deserves tremendous respect. Sitting week after week in incest survivor group and hearing the stories, I asked myself “How did she ever make it though that?” Children who survive sexual abuse develop some really strong survival skills. These skills have helped us navigate deadly waters. They served us well. In many ways, they shaped who we are.
Now, as adults, the crisis is over. And we still have—and use—these tools. Sometimes they give us an advantage in life. Many times they don’t serve us as well now as they did in childhood—and may even get in the way of our happiness. It’s time to examine the tools in our survival toolbox, and whether they are still serving us today. Are we using them well? Or, have they become a hindrance, perhaps even our worst enemy?
Now, as adults, the crisis is over. And we still have—and use—these tools. Sometimes they give us an advantage in life. Many times they don’t serve us as well now as they did in childhood—and may even get in the way of our happiness. It’s time to examine the tools in our survival toolbox, and whether they are still serving us today. Are we using them well? Or, have they become a hindrance, perhaps even our worst enemy?
My Story
I call it “radar.” It’s an ability of mine to walk into a room and “feel” what’s going on before anyone ever speaks a word. Or to walk into a house and know if someone is in it before I see or hear them. Or to know if what’s true about a situation is not what people are saying is true. I perfected this skill as a child because I needed to be able to come home and know the lay of the land before it revealed itself.
With the help of my radar, I became an astute businesswoman at a very early age. Many of my instincts about business were linked to this tool. It serves me well still. I think I’ll keep it.
Another survival tool was to maintain distance. If I don’t let you get close, you can’t hurt me. So I stay just out of reach. This ability led me to learn countless distancing skills. Anger is a big one. So is my inclination to suddenly lose interest if a relationship moves towards intimacy too quickly.
Today, no one hurts me. My intimate relationships have been carefully picked and tested over time. I’m certain that my distancing skills have kept me away from many abusive people, yet I’m equally certain I’ve missed opportunities to be close to some wonderful people. Sometimes I am lonely. These distancing skills don’t always serve me well. Time to see if I need to retire them.
With the help of my radar, I became an astute businesswoman at a very early age. Many of my instincts about business were linked to this tool. It serves me well still. I think I’ll keep it.
Another survival tool was to maintain distance. If I don’t let you get close, you can’t hurt me. So I stay just out of reach. This ability led me to learn countless distancing skills. Anger is a big one. So is my inclination to suddenly lose interest if a relationship moves towards intimacy too quickly.
Today, no one hurts me. My intimate relationships have been carefully picked and tested over time. I’m certain that my distancing skills have kept me away from many abusive people, yet I’m equally certain I’ve missed opportunities to be close to some wonderful people. Sometimes I am lonely. These distancing skills don’t always serve me well. Time to see if I need to retire them.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
I’ve never thought that anything from the abuse could actually be an asset. What are some other skills survivors may have gained as a result of the abuse experience?
This varies by the individual, of course, but I have noticed the following traits in many of the survivors I have known. (As has been true for me, sometimes these skills work well for other survivors, and sometimes they work against them.)
When you talk about a skill no longer serving us, can you be more specific?
These skills may or may not be getting you what you want. A certain behavior may help you feel safe in the moment but also deprive you of something important. An example is my maintaining a distance from others. It might make me feel safe, but distance is not what I really want in all cases.
This varies by the individual, of course, but I have noticed the following traits in many of the survivors I have known. (As has been true for me, sometimes these skills work well for other survivors, and sometimes they work against them.)
- The ability to keep people away with no more than a facial expression.
- The ability to focus one’s concentration on a single activity.
- A deep sensitivity to the pain of others.
- Mastery over a subject.
- Strong verbal skills that can make a point forcefully and positively, or can be used to cut others off at the knees.
- A sense of humor that keeps everything light.
When you talk about a skill no longer serving us, can you be more specific?
These skills may or may not be getting you what you want. A certain behavior may help you feel safe in the moment but also deprive you of something important. An example is my maintaining a distance from others. It might make me feel safe, but distance is not what I really want in all cases.
Action Steps
It’s time to take an inventory of the survival skills you developed over time. Ask yourself which ones you still use and how you use them. Ask yourself if you want to keep using them.
For the ones that are still valuable, are there any adjustments you would like to make?
Are you ready to drop the ones that no longer serve you? If so, do it in a non-judgmental way. In fact, thank these skills for helping you survive and tell them you appreciate them. Then let them know that they aren’t helping anymore and release them.
This can be harder than it sounds. Look for your survival skills to be front and center when you feel unsafe. Start becoming conscious of when you are using ones that no longer serve you. Ask yourself what you could use as a replacement for that particular skill. Start developing skills more appropriate to your current life.
Here’s an interesting thought. If you have identified skills that you would like to release and can’t, ask yourself if this is because you actually still need them. If so, why do you still need them? Take a serious look at whether you have created danger in your life that requires the ongoing use of these skills. What are you going to do about that danger?
For the ones that are still valuable, are there any adjustments you would like to make?
Are you ready to drop the ones that no longer serve you? If so, do it in a non-judgmental way. In fact, thank these skills for helping you survive and tell them you appreciate them. Then let them know that they aren’t helping anymore and release them.
This can be harder than it sounds. Look for your survival skills to be front and center when you feel unsafe. Start becoming conscious of when you are using ones that no longer serve you. Ask yourself what you could use as a replacement for that particular skill. Start developing skills more appropriate to your current life.
Here’s an interesting thought. If you have identified skills that you would like to release and can’t, ask yourself if this is because you actually still need them. If so, why do you still need them? Take a serious look at whether you have created danger in your life that requires the ongoing use of these skills. What are you going to do about that danger?
|
Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
