Journal Entry:
Dear Inner Child,
I can sense that you are feeling out of sorts. I want to write and check in. Can you tell me how you are feeling?
I don’t know.
Okay. Well, can you get real still and quiet and listen inside? What do you feel in your body?
My chest feels tight when I breathe. And my hands are sweaty.
So, can you tell me what feeling is causing that?
I guess I’m afraid.
I think you are, too. What do you suppose you might be afraid of?
That you told Janet we can’t be friends anymore.
That’s probably very scary for you isn’t it? Do you know why?
No.
Because Janet is abusive and you were taught not to talk back to abusers because they would really hurt you.
So will Janet hurt us?
No, I won’t let her. Because things are different now. You have me, the Adult. I’m here and very capable. I’m in charge of making the decisions that will keep you safe. You don’t have to be in charge anymore. I’m here now.
And you won’t let Janet hurt us?
Absolutely not. I’m here to take care of you. And if that means that some people can’t be in our life, then that’s the way it is. I want you to look to me for what you want, not to Janet. I’m the one you can trust. You weren’t taken care of by Mother or Daddy, so you kept looking for someone to take care of you. You are still doing that. That’s why you want Janet to be your friend. The problem is, Janet is abusive. I know she feels normal to you—because you learned that abusive behavior is normal, but it’s not. So, I made the decision that Janet had to go. It’s okay. You can look to me for protection now. I love you and I’m here to take care of you always.
My Story
Karen, my therapist, tossed out a strange concept in the middle of one of our sessions. “I know this sounds crazy, but I want you to think of yourself as having two parts. One part is the little girl who was hurt so badly at an early age. The other is the strong, capable adult you have grown to be. Let them get to know each other. Build a relationship between the two. Have them talk to each other.”
I thought she was nuts. But I was pretty desperate at that point. So in the car on the way home I started talking to my “Inner Child.” That is, my “Adult” talked to her. It was very awkward at first. And I felt pretty silly having this conversation with myself sitting in traffic.
Sometimes you have to feel a little crazy to get sane. That’s what this Inner Child work felt like to me—splitting myself in parts and having them talk to each other. My Adult started out by saying “So, what’s up with you?” and my Inner Child said “I’m sort of scared.” And so began a lifelong conversation. It felt very odd at first.
Yet, this work became the foundation of building the future. It helped me understand the different—and often conflicting—parts of myself. It gave me a new way to heal and grow. A number of people in my incest survivor group used the technique, as well. It gave us a common language to explain what was going on to each other.
It came slowly. It took months to get used to the process. My Adult wasn’t fully developed. It took time for her to come into her own. And my Child was used to running the show, because that was the only way she felt safe. Over time, my Child started testing what it would feel like to not have to run the show. To let the Adult run things and let the kid be a kid.
Together, they worked out how things would work in my life. The Adult is responsible for all major decision-making (with the Child’s best interest the priority). This means decisions relative to what is safe and what is not. What is in the Child’s best interest and what isn’t. The Child is responsible for feeling and for telling the Adult what she (the Child) needs at any given time. For example, the Child might need to feel safe or to have fun or to rest. The Adult honors the Child’s feelings and needs and creates a safe environment for her.
Early on, I incorporated this dialogue between these two parts into my journaling. My Inner Child and Adult have filled scores of journals over many years. And they have come to know each other really well.
Through this process, I have given myself the kind of parenting I wish I had received. Even now, as a highly functioning person, I continue this work. It keeps me in touch with me. And it feels great! It is by using Inner Child work that I have taught myself to look inward for validation, not outside. My Child looks to my Adult for validation, instead of to other—possibly unhealthy—people. It was my path to love. We all know we have to love ourselves before we can receive love from others. This was my way of loving myself. And liking myself. All of myself—the Adult and the Child.
I thought she was nuts. But I was pretty desperate at that point. So in the car on the way home I started talking to my “Inner Child.” That is, my “Adult” talked to her. It was very awkward at first. And I felt pretty silly having this conversation with myself sitting in traffic.
Sometimes you have to feel a little crazy to get sane. That’s what this Inner Child work felt like to me—splitting myself in parts and having them talk to each other. My Adult started out by saying “So, what’s up with you?” and my Inner Child said “I’m sort of scared.” And so began a lifelong conversation. It felt very odd at first.
Yet, this work became the foundation of building the future. It helped me understand the different—and often conflicting—parts of myself. It gave me a new way to heal and grow. A number of people in my incest survivor group used the technique, as well. It gave us a common language to explain what was going on to each other.
It came slowly. It took months to get used to the process. My Adult wasn’t fully developed. It took time for her to come into her own. And my Child was used to running the show, because that was the only way she felt safe. Over time, my Child started testing what it would feel like to not have to run the show. To let the Adult run things and let the kid be a kid.
Together, they worked out how things would work in my life. The Adult is responsible for all major decision-making (with the Child’s best interest the priority). This means decisions relative to what is safe and what is not. What is in the Child’s best interest and what isn’t. The Child is responsible for feeling and for telling the Adult what she (the Child) needs at any given time. For example, the Child might need to feel safe or to have fun or to rest. The Adult honors the Child’s feelings and needs and creates a safe environment for her.
Early on, I incorporated this dialogue between these two parts into my journaling. My Inner Child and Adult have filled scores of journals over many years. And they have come to know each other really well.
Through this process, I have given myself the kind of parenting I wish I had received. Even now, as a highly functioning person, I continue this work. It keeps me in touch with me. And it feels great! It is by using Inner Child work that I have taught myself to look inward for validation, not outside. My Child looks to my Adult for validation, instead of to other—possibly unhealthy—people. It was my path to love. We all know we have to love ourselves before we can receive love from others. This was my way of loving myself. And liking myself. All of myself—the Adult and the Child.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
How did you learn to use this process?
At first, I just sort of made it up with the little bit Karen mentioned in that session. Then I started formally learning more about it. I went to a workshop given by John Bradshaw. He had just written a book called Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. It is a book I recommend as an excellent way to learn about this work.
In the workshop, he took us through a meditation where we went back to our childhood home and met our Inner Child. We spent time with her and asked her if she would like to come away with us. She said good-bye to her parents and we carried her away. We brought her home with us and began a new life. It was very, very powerful. After the meditation, I actually felt like I had rescued my Child and brought her to a safe place to live with me. For the first time, my Child began to feel like things might be okay.
Tell me more about using journaling with Inner Child work.
Before I started doing Inner Child work, I was using a journal. The process was simple, I just wrote about what was on my mind. When I added the dimension of writing between my Adult and Inner Child, it became a hundred times more powerful.
The way I do it is I have my Adult start out by asking my Inner Child a question. Then, without thinking or editing, my Inner Child writes back. I use a process called alternate-hand writing. My Adult writes with my left hand (I am left-handed) and my Child writes with my right hand (my non-dominant hand). I learned of this process from John Bradshaw. He didn’t develop it, and I don’t remember whom he credited with it.
Why do you have your Inner Child write with your non-dominant hand?
Because it seems to tap into the feeling, rather than thinking part of me. It’s also very much like a child would write. When children first begin to write, it’s awkward. They write slowly. It even looks like child’s writing.
What kind of questions do you ask?
They are usually pretty simple. Like, “So, I can tell that you are feeling pretty shut down. Can you tell me what feelings are behind that?” Or, “We have the whole day to ourselves. What would feel good to you? What are you needing today?”
It’s interesting. At first, my Inner Child had a hard time answering a question like “What do you need?” Her needs had never been important to anyone. Suddenly she was being asked what she needed and she was not in the habit of being in touch with what that might be. It took practice. For example, if the Child needed to feel safe, the Adult might probe further to understand exactly what would feel safe. Then the Adult would do what was necessary to create safety for the Child. Sometimes, the Adult would have to work out what the Adult needed as well as what the Child needed, if those needs conflicted in some way.
How often do you write in your journal on “Inner Child” stuff versus other things?
That depends on what’s going on in my life. When I was going though a lot of memory recovery, I wrote often—several times a day if that’s what it took. Now I write several times a month, more often when I need or want to. For many years, the Adult and Inner Child writing was what I focused on. More recently, I have returned to the more traditional method of journaling as well. Which method I use depends on my needs at the time.
I write between my Adult and Inner Child whenever:
At first, I just sort of made it up with the little bit Karen mentioned in that session. Then I started formally learning more about it. I went to a workshop given by John Bradshaw. He had just written a book called Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. It is a book I recommend as an excellent way to learn about this work.
In the workshop, he took us through a meditation where we went back to our childhood home and met our Inner Child. We spent time with her and asked her if she would like to come away with us. She said good-bye to her parents and we carried her away. We brought her home with us and began a new life. It was very, very powerful. After the meditation, I actually felt like I had rescued my Child and brought her to a safe place to live with me. For the first time, my Child began to feel like things might be okay.
Tell me more about using journaling with Inner Child work.
Before I started doing Inner Child work, I was using a journal. The process was simple, I just wrote about what was on my mind. When I added the dimension of writing between my Adult and Inner Child, it became a hundred times more powerful.
The way I do it is I have my Adult start out by asking my Inner Child a question. Then, without thinking or editing, my Inner Child writes back. I use a process called alternate-hand writing. My Adult writes with my left hand (I am left-handed) and my Child writes with my right hand (my non-dominant hand). I learned of this process from John Bradshaw. He didn’t develop it, and I don’t remember whom he credited with it.
Why do you have your Inner Child write with your non-dominant hand?
Because it seems to tap into the feeling, rather than thinking part of me. It’s also very much like a child would write. When children first begin to write, it’s awkward. They write slowly. It even looks like child’s writing.
What kind of questions do you ask?
They are usually pretty simple. Like, “So, I can tell that you are feeling pretty shut down. Can you tell me what feelings are behind that?” Or, “We have the whole day to ourselves. What would feel good to you? What are you needing today?”
It’s interesting. At first, my Inner Child had a hard time answering a question like “What do you need?” Her needs had never been important to anyone. Suddenly she was being asked what she needed and she was not in the habit of being in touch with what that might be. It took practice. For example, if the Child needed to feel safe, the Adult might probe further to understand exactly what would feel safe. Then the Adult would do what was necessary to create safety for the Child. Sometimes, the Adult would have to work out what the Adult needed as well as what the Child needed, if those needs conflicted in some way.
How often do you write in your journal on “Inner Child” stuff versus other things?
That depends on what’s going on in my life. When I was going though a lot of memory recovery, I wrote often—several times a day if that’s what it took. Now I write several times a month, more often when I need or want to. For many years, the Adult and Inner Child writing was what I focused on. More recently, I have returned to the more traditional method of journaling as well. Which method I use depends on my needs at the time.
I write between my Adult and Inner Child whenever:
- I feel confused
- I am upset
- I want to celebrate a victory
- I feel out of touch with myself
- Something is out of sorts in one of my relationships
- I want to connect more strongly to my Inner Child
- I’m depressed and want to know what’s behind it
- I need to figure something out
- I am about to make a big decision
- I am setting goals
Action Steps
Start building a relationship between your Adult and your Inner Child.
Here are the ground rules I suggest you follow:
Try the alternate-handwriting technique in your journal as a way of dialoging between these two parts of yourself. Do this every day for a week and see how it feels. If it is useful, make it a standard part of your healing process.
The best book I have read on Reparenting (Adult and Inner Child work) is The Loving Parent Guidebook. Be sure and buy the workbook rather than the Kindle version. You'll be glad you did.
There are also a number of other good books on Inner Child work. Go to Amazon.com and search for “Inner Child” and pick one that feels right for you. I highly recommend the books by John Bradshaw.
Here are the ground rules I suggest you follow:
- Think of how you would treat a small child coming to you after being hurt. Treat your Inner Child that way.
- Everything the Adult says to the Child will be unconditionally supportive.
- Always accept, without judgment, all the Child’s feelings.
- The Adult makes all the major decisions—after hearing the Child’s input.
- The Adult is the Child’s champion. The Child’s best interests always come first. The Adult decides what is in the best interest of the Child.
Try the alternate-handwriting technique in your journal as a way of dialoging between these two parts of yourself. Do this every day for a week and see how it feels. If it is useful, make it a standard part of your healing process.
The best book I have read on Reparenting (Adult and Inner Child work) is The Loving Parent Guidebook. Be sure and buy the workbook rather than the Kindle version. You'll be glad you did.
There are also a number of other good books on Inner Child work. Go to Amazon.com and search for “Inner Child” and pick one that feels right for you. I highly recommend the books by John Bradshaw.
|
Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
