Healing is not a solo act. We need support. Most of us are not used to a lot of support in our lives. Sometimes we have some degree of support. Other times we need to start from scratch. Either way, we need to build support into our lives so that we can make our healing journey.
My Story
"Join an incest survivors group.” Those words from my therapist felt as if someone had plugged me into an electrical socket. Shocking! An incest survivors group? You have got to be kidding! Me, in a group? No way!
She explained why. “What I have to offer you isn’t enough. You need to be with people going through the same thing you are, guided by therapists trained to help incest survivors.”
I still balked, certain that I’d be better off working on it alone. Same way I’ve done everything else in my life.
She didn’t relent. “Join a group. I can’t help you if you don’t. Here are some numbers to call.”
Best move I’ve ever made in my life.
Other sexual abuse survivors are the only people who can truly understand what you are going through. While others may try to understand, sexual abuse survivors understand. They really understand. They understand on a level I thought impossible.
I spent five years in that group, every Wednesday night. It’s the best time I have ever invested in myself.
Those people were amazing. We, collectively, were amazing! Let me tell you, there is powerful, powerful energy in such a group.
When the memories came and overwhelmed me, and I felt like a small child standing in the ocean being knocked over by waves and there wasn’t enough time to get back on my feet, I would have drowned without that safe retreat and those helping hands.
She explained why. “What I have to offer you isn’t enough. You need to be with people going through the same thing you are, guided by therapists trained to help incest survivors.”
I still balked, certain that I’d be better off working on it alone. Same way I’ve done everything else in my life.
She didn’t relent. “Join a group. I can’t help you if you don’t. Here are some numbers to call.”
Best move I’ve ever made in my life.
Other sexual abuse survivors are the only people who can truly understand what you are going through. While others may try to understand, sexual abuse survivors understand. They really understand. They understand on a level I thought impossible.
I spent five years in that group, every Wednesday night. It’s the best time I have ever invested in myself.
Those people were amazing. We, collectively, were amazing! Let me tell you, there is powerful, powerful energy in such a group.
When the memories came and overwhelmed me, and I felt like a small child standing in the ocean being knocked over by waves and there wasn’t enough time to get back on my feet, I would have drowned without that safe retreat and those helping hands.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
What if I’m not one for groups? Isn’t working with a therapist enough?
No. Absolutely not. We need a safe group of people who are fellow travelers on this journey. We need a group of peers to validate our experience. Some will be farther along than you—they will help lead the way. Others will lag behind—they will show you how far you have come and allow you to give back.
Is it better for those in the group to be people you know, or people you don’t know?
I loved the fact that the people in my group were not in my daily life. (A couple became life-long friends, by the way. But for years we only were together in the group.) It allowed me to open myself up in a way that I couldn’t have otherwise. They gave me a place where I could act in ways I never would have with people who knew me.
One vivid memory I have is walking up to a stage in front of hundreds of business and media people to receive an award as a finalist for Entrepreneur of the Year. That audience could not have imagined that, just an hour before, I had been in my group, sitting on the floor, screaming at a large brown bear! I found it very ironic. The business community thought they knew me, but the people who really knew me were in my incest survivors group. What absolute freedom there was in being with them!
How do I find a sexual abuse survivors group? How do I know which group is right for me?
Ask people you trust. If you have a therapist, ask them to give you several names. Get referrals from crisis hotlines or the local Council on Child Abuse.
When you’ve collected names, call the group leader to get a “gut” feel for the ones that feel right to you. I remember calling four or five group leaders, and no one really struck the right chord for me. Then I picked up a voice mail from my therapist giving me one more name. I called her and I knew I had found the right one. Don’t settle. Interview until you find a place you feel comfortable.
Here are some helpful questions to ask when you interview for a group:
No. Absolutely not. We need a safe group of people who are fellow travelers on this journey. We need a group of peers to validate our experience. Some will be farther along than you—they will help lead the way. Others will lag behind—they will show you how far you have come and allow you to give back.
Is it better for those in the group to be people you know, or people you don’t know?
I loved the fact that the people in my group were not in my daily life. (A couple became life-long friends, by the way. But for years we only were together in the group.) It allowed me to open myself up in a way that I couldn’t have otherwise. They gave me a place where I could act in ways I never would have with people who knew me.
One vivid memory I have is walking up to a stage in front of hundreds of business and media people to receive an award as a finalist for Entrepreneur of the Year. That audience could not have imagined that, just an hour before, I had been in my group, sitting on the floor, screaming at a large brown bear! I found it very ironic. The business community thought they knew me, but the people who really knew me were in my incest survivors group. What absolute freedom there was in being with them!
How do I find a sexual abuse survivors group? How do I know which group is right for me?
Ask people you trust. If you have a therapist, ask them to give you several names. Get referrals from crisis hotlines or the local Council on Child Abuse.
When you’ve collected names, call the group leader to get a “gut” feel for the ones that feel right to you. I remember calling four or five group leaders, and no one really struck the right chord for me. Then I picked up a voice mail from my therapist giving me one more name. I called her and I knew I had found the right one. Don’t settle. Interview until you find a place you feel comfortable.
Here are some helpful questions to ask when you interview for a group:
Questions to Ask |
Some Thoughts |
What are the rules for the group? |
There will be rules such as these: · Attend regularly · Treat others with respect · Maintain a safe physical environment · Come to sessions drug and alcohol free |
How often does it meet? |
I recommend a group that meets weekly. |
What are your (the leader’s) credentials? |
Verify that the leader is a professional therapist with experience leading incest survivor groups. |
Is this an ongoing group or is it a new group? If it’s ongoing, how long has it been in existence? Do you have an end date for the group? |
I prefer open-ended groups rather than one with an end date. I was in my group for five years. At the start, I had no idea I would need it that long, but I did. And I was so glad that it would be around as long as I needed it. |
How many are in the group? |
I would not want to be in a group with more than eight people. |
What is the duration of each session? |
One and one half hours to two hours is a good length for a group of six to eight |
Action Steps
Put the following on your “to do” list and do them within the next 10 days:
· Get the names of at least four people who are leading sexual abuse survivor groups.
· Interview them.
· Select a group.
· Join!
Once you have joined, remember to:
· Participate
· Keep going even when you don’t want to – it’s worth it!
· Remember that it’s the times you don’t feel like going to the group that you may most need to be there.
· Get the names of at least four people who are leading sexual abuse survivor groups.
· Interview them.
· Select a group.
· Join!
Once you have joined, remember to:
· Participate
· Keep going even when you don’t want to – it’s worth it!
· Remember that it’s the times you don’t feel like going to the group that you may most need to be there.
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Copyright 2006 Journey Publishing LLC |
