A Safe Space |
This healing work can be scary. We need a safe space in which to do it. We need to be conscious about creating a safe place for ourselves. I’m talking about a safe physical space as well as a secure emotional context.
We need to focus on two things: making sure we are physically safe at all times and—equally critical—making sure the important relationships in our lives are safe ones.
Many people think that a safe space is only about our physical environment. But, how can true safety exist if the people in our physical environment are unsafe people? We must look at both types of safety.
My Story
My childhood home was unsafe. On some level, that felt “normal” to me because I had never experienced anything else. Accordingly, choices made in creating my adult life had tilted toward an unsafe environment. I had selected several abusive friends and bosses and engaged in some unsafe behavior.
I would be drawn to a crazy or abusive friend, for example, to replay the turmoil and damage of my childhood. Or, I would experiment with drugs—something that was unsafe physically as well as legally.
At some point, in order to heal, I had to become intentional about creating a safe environment in which to do this work. This took time. It meant making big changes, but they were worth the effort. Having a strong foundation from which to move forward was crucial in the healing process.
There was a time in my life that I can clearly say the Hand of God touched me. It was when I chose to marry my husband. The psychologists will tell you that because I had grown up in an abusive home, the overwhelming odds were for me to marry an abusive man. Either a man who would abuse me or would abuse our children. It’s pretty much a miracle that I chose to marry my husband.
He grew up in a “normal” family. They had their garden-variety dysfunction, but nothing that would really mess someone up. He knows what it feels like to live in a family with happily married parents who are respectful to each other and their children. He knows about love that doesn’t have inappropriate strings attached. He knows how to nurture and protect. My husband is simply the kindest man I have ever met. And I believe he saved my life.
The first step in creating a safe environment was to really let him in. Even though we had been married for some time, I had done a good job of distancing myself from him. Making the choice to enlist my husband as a supportive partner was essential in my healing process. Our marriage provided a safe harbor for this very difficult work.
It took more than a safe marriage, of course. While I hadn’t picked an abusive husband, I had acquired a number of other relationships that were crazy and abusive. You probably know the kind, the addictive relationships with people who are very unsafe.
These relationships were a constant source of turmoil and a big waste of energy. They ranged from abusive to codependent. They were all damaging. And I had created and owned a business in what I now consider to be a very abusive industry.
Over time, creating a safe world for myself meant ending a number of deep relationships that were unhealthy. It also meant selling my business. Not that all of this happened at once. These big, sweeping changes took place over a long time as I healed. First, I had to get safe on a very basic level.
There were two books that were an enormous support to my healing: The Courage to Heal and The Courage to Heal Workbook. There’s a really great section in the workbook that guided me through creating a safe space in my life, and I highly recommend it. I did things like create a list of reliable people to call when the process became too intense and I felt as if I was losing ground. I kept their phone numbers with me at all times.
To feel physically protected, I made a safe space in my house where I could always go and feel secure. I took a self-defense course. I got a Rottweiler to accompany me on my runs. I collected stuffed animals to surround myself with and to hug.
Some of these measures may sound extreme. But I did whatever it took for me to feel safe. Some measures were objective responses to dangers that were actually present. Others helped calm the residual fear of harm that I felt because of the abuse. Some of these actions were permanent—I still use them today to ensure my safety. Others were useful at the time, and today I find I no longer need them.
Emotional safety was, and is, important, too. I created a set of boundaries. Those boundaries defined what kind of behavior I would allow in my life and what I wouldn’t. (see Boundaries). And I joined an incest survivors group where it would be safe to tell my story and feel my feelings.
I would be drawn to a crazy or abusive friend, for example, to replay the turmoil and damage of my childhood. Or, I would experiment with drugs—something that was unsafe physically as well as legally.
At some point, in order to heal, I had to become intentional about creating a safe environment in which to do this work. This took time. It meant making big changes, but they were worth the effort. Having a strong foundation from which to move forward was crucial in the healing process.
There was a time in my life that I can clearly say the Hand of God touched me. It was when I chose to marry my husband. The psychologists will tell you that because I had grown up in an abusive home, the overwhelming odds were for me to marry an abusive man. Either a man who would abuse me or would abuse our children. It’s pretty much a miracle that I chose to marry my husband.
He grew up in a “normal” family. They had their garden-variety dysfunction, but nothing that would really mess someone up. He knows what it feels like to live in a family with happily married parents who are respectful to each other and their children. He knows about love that doesn’t have inappropriate strings attached. He knows how to nurture and protect. My husband is simply the kindest man I have ever met. And I believe he saved my life.
The first step in creating a safe environment was to really let him in. Even though we had been married for some time, I had done a good job of distancing myself from him. Making the choice to enlist my husband as a supportive partner was essential in my healing process. Our marriage provided a safe harbor for this very difficult work.
It took more than a safe marriage, of course. While I hadn’t picked an abusive husband, I had acquired a number of other relationships that were crazy and abusive. You probably know the kind, the addictive relationships with people who are very unsafe.
These relationships were a constant source of turmoil and a big waste of energy. They ranged from abusive to codependent. They were all damaging. And I had created and owned a business in what I now consider to be a very abusive industry.
Over time, creating a safe world for myself meant ending a number of deep relationships that were unhealthy. It also meant selling my business. Not that all of this happened at once. These big, sweeping changes took place over a long time as I healed. First, I had to get safe on a very basic level.
There were two books that were an enormous support to my healing: The Courage to Heal and The Courage to Heal Workbook. There’s a really great section in the workbook that guided me through creating a safe space in my life, and I highly recommend it. I did things like create a list of reliable people to call when the process became too intense and I felt as if I was losing ground. I kept their phone numbers with me at all times.
To feel physically protected, I made a safe space in my house where I could always go and feel secure. I took a self-defense course. I got a Rottweiler to accompany me on my runs. I collected stuffed animals to surround myself with and to hug.
Some of these measures may sound extreme. But I did whatever it took for me to feel safe. Some measures were objective responses to dangers that were actually present. Others helped calm the residual fear of harm that I felt because of the abuse. Some of these actions were permanent—I still use them today to ensure my safety. Others were useful at the time, and today I find I no longer need them.
Emotional safety was, and is, important, too. I created a set of boundaries. Those boundaries defined what kind of behavior I would allow in my life and what I wouldn’t. (see Boundaries). And I joined an incest survivors group where it would be safe to tell my story and feel my feelings.
Our Walk Together - Questions and Answers
If I have never experienced a safe environment, how can I even begin to create one for myself?
Use outside help until you develop your own internal mechanism for knowing what is safe and what isn’t. You may want to work with a personal coach or therapist to help you at first. Over time, you will begin to know for yourself what’s safe and what’s not.
Here’s an important point: It’s not that you don’t have the internal mechanism to know what’s safe—rather, you had to ignore it for so long to live in your unsafe home that tuning into it now is difficult. Over time, as you experience safety, your internal “gut” feelings will become stronger. Always listen to your gut. It’s almost never wrong.
Are you saying that I have to get rid of all the unsafe people in my life before I can begin to heal?
No, I’m not saying that. This is not a linear process. You create some safety, you heal some, you create some more safety, you heal some more. It comes in fits and starts. What I do know is that as you heal, you will tolerate less and less from your environment that isn’t safe.
I don’t understand what you mean about boundaries. Tell me more.
This is one of the most powerful concepts I have ever embraced. Boundaries are a set of guidelines that you create for yourself and then communicate, as needed, to others. I started using boundaries instinctively during my healing process and then learned formally about them when I was learning to become a professional coach. My written list of boundaries includes things like:
My boundaries help me teach others how to treat me. At this point my boundaries have become so strong that I usually don’t have to communicate them verbally. People can just tell that I am someone to treat respectfully. Years ago, this wasn’t the case. I had to set very strong verbal boundaries. I remember telling a friend, “The way you spoke to me is abusive. I will not allow you to abuse me.” Eventually this person couldn’t be in my life anymore because she couldn’t respect this boundary.
Go to Boundaries
Use outside help until you develop your own internal mechanism for knowing what is safe and what isn’t. You may want to work with a personal coach or therapist to help you at first. Over time, you will begin to know for yourself what’s safe and what’s not.
Here’s an important point: It’s not that you don’t have the internal mechanism to know what’s safe—rather, you had to ignore it for so long to live in your unsafe home that tuning into it now is difficult. Over time, as you experience safety, your internal “gut” feelings will become stronger. Always listen to your gut. It’s almost never wrong.
Are you saying that I have to get rid of all the unsafe people in my life before I can begin to heal?
No, I’m not saying that. This is not a linear process. You create some safety, you heal some, you create some more safety, you heal some more. It comes in fits and starts. What I do know is that as you heal, you will tolerate less and less from your environment that isn’t safe.
I don’t understand what you mean about boundaries. Tell me more.
This is one of the most powerful concepts I have ever embraced. Boundaries are a set of guidelines that you create for yourself and then communicate, as needed, to others. I started using boundaries instinctively during my healing process and then learned formally about them when I was learning to become a professional coach. My written list of boundaries includes things like:
- No one may raise his/her voice in anger when speaking to me.
- I don’t maintain relationships with disrespectful people.
- I don’t allow drunks in my life.
My boundaries help me teach others how to treat me. At this point my boundaries have become so strong that I usually don’t have to communicate them verbally. People can just tell that I am someone to treat respectfully. Years ago, this wasn’t the case. I had to set very strong verbal boundaries. I remember telling a friend, “The way you spoke to me is abusive. I will not allow you to abuse me.” Eventually this person couldn’t be in my life anymore because she couldn’t respect this boundary.
Go to Boundaries
Action Steps
Take the action necessary to make your life a Danger Free Zone.
Download the Safety Checklist and Action Plan
Fill out the Safety Criteria Check List. Read each item and put a checkmark next to the statement only if it is true for you.
Download the Safety Checklist and Action Plan
Fill out the Safety Criteria Check List. Read each item and put a checkmark next to the statement only if it is true for you.
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Now, go to the second part of the document and read the sample Action Plan. Make an Action Plan of your own for changing the items you would like to change. Remember, some of these Actions may require multiple steps. Go at your own pace. Don't bite off too much at once.
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